Retro Yakking

It has been reported in the mainstream press that Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff missed the team bus to an England squad bonding session this week. In a strange twist, however, he was actually seen getting off the bus at the destination, a war memorial in Ypres, Belgium.

This can only mean one thing: the Freddie Flintoff clones are rearing their heads once more, attracted to beer and sleep like flies to jam. It seems the clone in this particular incident has managed to scarper, no doubt to an alehouse somewhere, but on the plus side the genuine Flintoff remained well-rested and picked up 2-16 from nine overs in a warm-up match yesterday.

At least, we think it was the real Fred.

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Forget Top Gear, with its costly supercar roadtests and exotic location filming - this is real life. In the real world, we cannot afford such luxuries as expensive cars, or even televisions.

Here at Retro Yakking we like to think ourselves in touch with the average man who works very hard for little money. He wants to pee every penny of it up the wall of a weekend, so it goes without saying that his budget for a car falls ever so slightly short of the price of a Bugatti Veyron.

The supermarket trolley is an ideal solution, suiting the common man perfectly with its price tag of £0. When combined with a long stick (or maybe two if you’re slightly more upmarket) to act as a braking system, the shopping trolley is also a reliable, quick and economical choice for the discerning idiot.

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Of all the matches played in this year’s ICC World Twenty20, none were quite as close as yesterday’s club cricket match which saw Hindley beat Wigan in the Wigan Cricket Development Group Twenty20 Cup.

Needing six to win from the final ball, Richard Neal was the hero for Hindley as he smashed a short ball over deep square leg to snatch victory in the most exciting finish conceivable.

With six overs remaining, Hindley looked to be closing in on victory, keeping up with the run rate at around six and a half an over and with seven wickets in hand. Some tight bowling and good work in the field by Wigan brought about a mini collapse, and by the nineteenth over Hindley were left with twenty to win from twelve balls. This was reduced to fifteen from the last over of the match.

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As soon as it was reported that Michael Jackson had been rushed to hospital in grave medical condition, the mainstream media outlets faced a race against time, scrambling mindlessly to have the first exclusive story announcing his death.

As it transpired, TMZ (no, I haven’t heard of them either) emerged as the very first to report the tragic news. Or was it? In January, the National Enquirer supposedly predicted Michael Jackson would be dead in six months, and now it claims it got there before TMZ (Totally Mental Zebus?).

If we’re going that far back, we might as well open the full can of worms on this matter. Investigative journalist Ian Halperin supposedly foresaw Jackson’s demise as far back as December last year, and it is no coincidence that his forthcoming book Unmasked: The Final Years of Michael Jackson was timed for release around July.

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Today’s guest post is brought to you by the weird Dutch blokes in short sleeved shirts who patrol the streets with backpacks of an afternoon. We salute you, good sirs!

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Hello, fellow person! Are you unhappy with your current prophet? Then join the Happy Frolicking Friends! There are no rules or obligations except for a mandatory supplement of just £30 a week. But that’s a small price to pay for eternal happiness, we’re sure you will agree.

At the Happy Frolicking Friends, which is certainly not a cult, we prance all day long in meadows and dales to the music of Spiritualised and Pink Floyd.

Oh what a gay time we have, dancing without a care in the world, our hay fever and minor ailments forgotten in the cocktail of mind altering substances we consume on an hourly basis. How else would we rope sane people into the group? Oh, did I say that bit out loud?

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