Retro Yakking

The Conservative Party have been accused of offering bribes to the programmers of Internet verification system ReCaptcha. Though the Tories deny this, compelling evidence can be found in the fact the program is definitely attempting to subtly and subliminally persuade me to vote for them. Exhibit A:

Seems the Tories have been spying on my Internet usage and identified me as the ‘kind of person that wants to vote Conservative but doesn’t because he feels like he’ll be beaten up by hard blokes in the pub’, namely everyone in Wigan.

It won’t work, though, because their reluctant and belated attempt to embrace the digital revolution is only a pants gimmick to capitalise on Gordon Brown’s complete ineptitude at video blogging. I would much prefer to watch Mr. Brown squirm for X number of years, if only for his creepy smile.

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As a renowned scrounger who’s actually won awards for his utter cheapskateness (yep, you’re in fact reading the blog of Harry Yack SkN Flnt TYT RS), I feel fully qualified to share with you the best one hundred things you can do with The Daily Mail once you’ve finished ‘reading’ the ‘informative’ ‘content’ (read: sensationalist moaning old codger literature).

Not that I would ever consider reading such a ‘publication’ without the slightest grain of salt, else I’d most likely be reduced to putting inverted commas around each word of my posts… as I did in the previous sentence. Oh, whoops.

I did intend to introduce this new series — which will probably stumble after the second or third instalment — in a rather grandiose manner, but decided instead to dive into the meat of the content as I’m aware a lot of Retro Yakking’s readers are eager for me to cut the silly small talk that generally precedes this kind of post.

Yeah, let’s get straight to the point with the first ten of Retro Yakking’s 101 best uses for newspaper, ranked by absolutely no parameter.

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The Republic of Ireland were cruelly denied in their quest for World Cup qualification thanks to a not so helpful hand from France’s Thierry Henry.

Fans must have been thinking this was a game of handball rather than football as the former Arsenal man clearly controlled the ball with the palm of his hand — not once, but twice — before laying it off for William Gallas to head into Shay Given’s net.

It’s being hailed the ‘Hand of Frog’, the highest profile hand ball since Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’ in Mexico 1986. Whereas on that occasion divine intervention gifted the Argentine striker a goal, this time it is a deity of a more amphibious nature that’s hitting the headlines.

I am the best footballer in the world, playing for the best international team in the world. Ireland are some pokey little team that can’t even find players from their own country to fill their starting XI, so I suppose this is the way God wanted it to be. — Thierry Henry

In this case, ‘God’ is fellow Frenchman Michel Platini, who, some claim, momentarily paralysed all officials the precise moment the offence occurred, rendering them unable to award the correct decision.

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Make no mistake, it’s a certain handball, some say a deliberate one. What is for sure is that it certainly shouldn’t have been a goal, and there are even calls to replay the game. Not sure whether that will happen, but it’s hardly going to when FIFA got what they wanted - namely the bigger team at the World Cup finals.

See for yourself (video after the break).

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An Australian Aboriginal boy of 12 will appear in court after being charged with receiving a stolen chocolate bar to the value of thirty four pence. The story is being used by the Australian mainstream media as a leading example of the systematic discrimination against Aboriginals allegedly present in the country’s society.

The vast majority of people, however, are more shocked at the fact a Freddo bar would cost that much. Just five years ago, they were being sold in British outlets for ten pence, and chocoholics are up in arms over the rising cost of not just Freddo bars, but Jammy Dodgers and Eccles cakes as well.

Well, I know exchange rates are bad these days, but I didn’t know things had become that bad. I checked out the shop the kid’s mate supposedly stole from, and a Mars bar was $4 - that’s more than 25 British pounds by my calculations. — I.M.N Egghead, leading English mathematician

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