Jan 24 2009
Alien terrorists kidnap NASA hacker Gary McKinnon
McKinnon contemplates his situation with a quick smoke.
Image by NASA.
Really cheesed off aliens have today abducted controversial British hacker Gary McKinnon, relieving him of the infamy of being extradited to the United States. McKinnon, who hacked American computer networks under the pseudonym ‘Solo’, uncovered evidence of extraterrestrial activity within Earth’s airspace in 2001 and 2002.
The top secret Disclosure Project detailed each and every alien expedition to the Earth from the past 126 years, including a particularly successful visitation during which the whole Manchester United football team were replaced by Bernard Matthews turkeys for two months in 2001. McKinnon’s actions sparked a huge uproar in the outer reaches of the Solar System, prompting huge protests for McKinnon to be brought to Mars for trial.
Now, a group of impatient Martian militant fundamentalists have raided McKinnon’s house, stolen his iPod and taken the lot back to their home, thought to be close to the Corby Crater. In a video message transmitted on Neptune News 24-7, McKinnon was seen smoking spliffs and engaging in conversation with the humanoids, and flicked a huge V to the American Government proclaiming them to be “insufferable oafs”.
President Obama has commissioned a six billion dollar project to bring McKinnon back “on principle,” claiming that “blowing a four-year budget on a stupid grudge” was what America was built on. Prime Minister Gordon Brown said of the situation:
Good riddance. I hate that stupid show, always telling us what to eat and picking on people just because they’re obese. Gillian McKeith can stay there as long as she bloody well likes. [Performs unfeasibly large jaw drop]
McKinnon claims he is ‘doing fine’ and absorbing himself into Martian society “quite well”, though his speech was a whole octave higher due to a large probe embedded in his buttocks. Of this, he said:
It’s better than spending one minute in Hamburgerland.
In response to the news, bookmakers Paddy Power have slashed the odds of Elvis still being alive from 30,000,000-1 to a mere 100-1, and have taken out insurance with shares in Woolworths.
