Retro Yakking

Care to play a game of ’spot the US President’?

The jobs of thousands of stalkers around the world are set to be made “easier than ever” as Google today announced their latest hi-tech, tippity top of the range tracking tool.

Latitude, the new Google Maps social networking service, will allow people to search for absolutely anyone anywhere in the world via their mobile phone, notify Google to pinpoint their position and ready a sniper at a nearby location within five minutes of being alerted.

The program will collate the data within seconds and swiftly identify a target to an accuracy of ten metres, increased to three with the addition of a heat seeking camera and missile combination, an optional feature only available to subscribers.

For an extra fee, subscribers will also be able to connect straight to Facebook, bypassing the security measures to access the private information of millions of people. It is thought this will be absolutely useless, as most information held on Facebook consists of Stephen Fry’s inane witterings, unreleased Lily Allen demos and messages such as “send this to five of your friends or your house will be rid of all crisps, chocolate and fizzy pop within 24 hours”.

Claims the latter was actually spread by the government’s newly-employed ‘food police‘ have been dismissed as “totally unfounded” and “not affiliated with the secret MI5 project Destroy All Fatties in any way whatsoever”.

The news will come as a relief to drivers of the Google Maps van, as attention will quickly be diverted from their recent deer-killing antics. Members of the Anti-Deer Association of America (ADAA) are assured, however, that the van is still at large and mindlessly trampling local deer, cats, llamas and three ton cows throughout the United States.

Note: Assassinating the President. Not good.

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