Retro Yakking

 Clarkson in a recent advert for Bovril.

Lorry driver’s favourite Jeremy Clarkson has recently been in the news for branding Gordon Brown a pirate (more specifically, in his own words, “a one-eyed Scottish idiot”). Whilst the validity of this statement is the subject of much debate, there is no argument as to the genuineness of the facts contained in this post. By which I mean none of these are made up. At all.

• There is a group named Animals Against Clarkson, whose members consist entirely of foxes, cats and small mammals run over by Jeremy Clarkson. The current member roll totals over nine thousand and is growing by the day.
• Jeremy Clarkson actually owns a ‘74 Mini Cooper and can be seen driving through the hills of Yorkshire with his begoggled head protruding from the open sun roof. In winter, he is a sight to behold: witnesses report similarities to “a clown that has just been pelted with a custard pie, riding a unicycle with a giraffe”.
• Clarkson has one pair of jeans which he has worn in every edition of Top Gear since 1997 as a bet. It’s an accumulative, double-or-quits pot which began as £1 but now totals more than the cost of seven Bentleys in a swimming pool.
• There is just one person Clarkson has not yet offended, but they wish to remain anonymous for legal reasons. Besides, it’s likely there will be a joke about middle-aged, offensive, beer-swilling, Mini-driving, 20-year old jeans-wearing Yorkshiremen in the forthcoming series of Top Gear.
• Clarkson had a number one single with The Only Thing Worse Than A Volkswagen Golf Is A Game Of Golf, Or Maybe Two Golfs in 1997. The B-Side, co-penned by Clarkson and Guy Chambers, was I’ve Never Met an Interesting Green Person and consisted entirely of car engine noises.
• Clarkson is Geoff Boycott’s biggest fan, and owns the largest collection of Boycott memorabilia this side of the Pennines. Clarkson dedicates each and every television show he presents to the England cricket legend, surreptitiously slipping the phrases “sloppy fielding” or “you could pay money just to watch that” into each of his car reviews.

And on that bombshell, we await a reply from Mr. Clarkson’s solicitor. Good night.

[ Really poor rendition of Top Gear theme on out of tune guitar ]

Trackback URI | Comments RSS