Mar
31
2009
I won’t lie to you: the Golden Age of the parody wikis has long since passed, with a whole raft of bureaucracy and red tape killing them off slowly but surely. I won’t go into great detail here, but it is indeed a sad and avoidable situation.
It doesn’t have to be this way. The recession may have quelled our sense of humour, but it will never extinguish our spirit! Much like a cockroach(?), the Illogicopedia will come out of this crisis stronger than ever, preserving a bit of insanity in the post-recession world.
Each of the following excerpts have been hand-picked by an esteemed Illogicopedia administrator* especially for Retro Yakking, and are highlighted as some of the best one-liners on the whole of the site. I’m not sure what that says about the rest of the site, but anyway…
Ten more factoids from Illogico
- The cricket bat is an animal of the order Sik Sittus. Notable as the only wooden mammal, there are known to be numerous species worldwide, the most common being the Willow bat.
- Who let the dogs out, framed Roger Rabbit and moved my cheese all whilst being the Prime Minister of China.
- Lawn Order is a particularly bad brand of fertiliser. But more importantly, it is also the grass police. That’s right: let your grass grow too long and you’ll be paid a visit by the lawn cops, riding on their lawnmowers and slicing everything in their path.
- Metal Deer Solid is an absolutely pointless stealth game where you are a deer who sneaks around looking for the cheese but will only ever find fish.
- Top ten ways to die #4: Combining every cheatcode possible, and having them all simultaneously backfire on you.
- Banalas are like Bananas except they often make cameos in movie-spinoff computer games such as Spiderman and The Hulk. They strive to make these games get terrible reviews via throwing a brick and said reviewers’ computer screens.
- Jello! Magazine is a magazine designed for the building of fold-out paper (and 10% jellotine) fortresses of obstruction.
- The moon! is Earth’s alternative natural satellite which Wikipedia seems to deny the existence of. Rest assured it does exist, but only the poke holes in the general public perception of said factual wiki.
- A trained professional is someone who has a job and is either on or under a train.
- Backspace is the amount of space one’s back takes up. Some backs are smaller than others, whereas some, notably the hunchback, are larger.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this brief romp through the cotton fields of illogicality. For more nonsense like this I always recommend the Illogicopedia, but beware of hostile fnurdles ready to steal your sonks.
*i.e. me.
See also
Mar
31
2009
That time of the month again? Well, it’s time once again to reveal my top EntreCard droppers for the month of March 09. Sadly, this will be the final such list as forced removal of the EC widget is imminent. For that reason, this is an ultra-special edition in which I will also include my click through stats. Well, might as well go out in a blaze of glory.
March 09 Top Droppers
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Top clicks by widget
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Best value by widget
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Let me tell you that each and every one of them is worth a visit. That’s it. See you in the next one, have a good time.
Mar
30
2009
In days gone by, if you wanted ownership of land you just took it. If you were lucky, nobody would show up to hack you to pieces. If you were less fortunate, you came up against the wrath of a whole army of bloodthirsty farmers and cheesed-off landowners with shovels.
It’s the chance you take if you really want something, a principle that forms the very basis of a modern capitalist society in which opportunism and sheer ruthlessness are a requirement for success. As Ronnie Biggs might have said, “you get nowhere in this life without stealing anything.”
But as with any act of thievery, one must weigh up a variety of important factors beforehand; does he have a bigger brother than mine? Do they have teletext on their HD television? Did I leave the oven on? Failure to do so can result in drastic consequences which may or may not involve the loss of half your ribcage.
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Mar
29
2009
This is a(nother) special message for my remaining EntreCard droppers. I would like to wholeheartedly thank everyone who has ever dropped on Retro Yakking via EntreCard, but the time has come for me to wind up my association with the service.
It has been fun, and I have found many of your weird and wonderful blogs, but I have now stopped actively dropping and from now on shall no longer be using EC on this blog. In a few days, after I have allowed for the remaining adverts to run, the widget will be removed. As a matter of courtesy, I shall also be declining all new advertisement requests.
I wish you all the best of luck with your third-party advertising exploits and hope they bring you muchos kudos and cash.
Look at this poor yak. Only you can make him happy by subscribing to Retro Yakking.
If you’d like to continue reading this blog, please don’t be afraid to bookmark or subscribe to Retro Yakking for a continued daily dose of Northern Humour. When I have the time, I shall be bookmarking my favourite EntreCard blogs, so don’t be surprised to see me pop up from time to time on your comments list and your Feedjit feeds.
You can also still find me and other ‘humour’ bloggers at humorbloggers.com, your one stop shop for Coco Pops… or something.
Right, I’m off to watch a rerun of the Australian Grand Prix and have a nice Sunday with the family. We’re having chicken for tea, and I’ll gladly make you a sandwich too if you drop me a message in the comments.
Mar
28
2009
Well, I’m not normally one to be digging stuff out from the back of the sofa, but going through some old posts I found a little half-completed gem that I thought deserved to be revisited and dished out (ahem) here. I present to you a post I semi-completed during national chip week (yep, such a thing exists, you know).
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Notice something different about the atmosphere of your local high street recently? A decidedly nasty aroma filling the air, floating for miles to the extent it is detectable by passing cruise liners?
Well, apparently it’s national chip week, and to mark the occasion the FCABG (Fish and Chip Association of Great Britain) have announced the most popular names for chip shops in Great Britain and Ireland. As you might expect, it’s puns ahoy as we delve into the weird world of chippy names.
The top ten
- The Codfather. A total of 3,045 chippies nationwide shared this rather witty pop culture reference, so it’s actually much less original than you think. In fact, there is a Codfather in Hindley complete with movie imagery on the shop signage.
- Load of Pollocks. Officially found to be ‘not at all profane’ to take its place in the revered top ten. Incidentally, the powers that be want us to eat less cod and more pollock.
- I Believe I Can Fry. The less said about this, the better.
- Codswallop. A chippy in Preston going by this name was recently closed down after it was found to be practicing fish abuse: as much as 25,000 cod had been battered by the establishment since its foundation in 1996. Baboom.
- For the Halibut. It seems that the most tired of old fish puns are the best, at least where chip shop naming is concerned; the worse the pun is, the more successful the business.
- The Chip Chap. The alliterative saviour, bounding along on a horse with no name to spare us from the relentless punnery.
- Top Plaice. Actually used to be my local chippy but, strangely enough, didn’t sell plaice. The most popular chippy fish are cod and haddock.
- Chippingham Palace, the Queen’s own personal chip shop in her basement. Yes, Her Majesty is impartial to a spot of cod and mushy peas. She takes her order in the Daily Mail newspaper, because “that’s all it’s any good for”.
- Frydays, where every day is a ‘fry day’.
- Goodbye, Mr. Chips. An apt name on which to finish this list, taken from the infamous lines uttered by Sean Connery in the film Codfinger.
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Acknowledgments
- Special thanks to The Lists Book by Mitchell Symons for providing some of the inspiration behind this post.
- Please note that this post should be taken with a pinch of salt. Heh.
