Retro Yakking

In days gone by, if you wanted ownership of land you just took it. If you were lucky, nobody would show up to hack you to pieces. If you were less fortunate, you came up against the wrath of a whole army of bloodthirsty farmers and cheesed-off landowners with shovels.

It’s the chance you take if you really want something, a principle that forms the very basis of a modern capitalist society in which opportunism and sheer ruthlessness are a requirement for success. As Ronnie Biggs might have said, “you get nowhere in this life without stealing anything.”

But as with any act of thievery, one must weigh up a variety of important factors beforehand; does he have a bigger brother than mine? Do they have teletext on their HD television? Did I leave the oven on? Failure to do so can result in drastic consequences which may or may not involve the loss of half your ribcage.

The 1991 one-man invasion of Sark

Some failures can be less dramatic and more comedic. You might think that a French attack led by a nuclear scientist would spell curtains for your country, but when the invasion resembles a scene from ‘Allo ‘Allo you’ll be wondering whether to report him to the authorities or throw a plate of spaghetti at him.

The tiny island of Sark is a picture of serenity; an idyllic, quiet place free of drama and, normally, incident. There are no vehicles save the odd tractor chugging about, and maybe a horse and cart giving the kids a ride to school.

The Head of the island (or Seigneur), John Michael Beaumont, pays the British Crown a sum of £1.79 a year to keep the island in “perpetuity”. You can imagine his annoyance when, in 1991, an unemployed French scientist by the name of Andre Gardes attempted to usurp his authority by staging an invasion. One evening, he left a series of messages on signs saying he would take over the island at noon the next day.

Unfortunately for the would-be Alexander The Great, his attempt would be thwarted by a local volunteer constable in a scenario that, I can only imagine, went as follows:

It is just before noon. Gardes is sat on bench, loading his gun.
Constable: Say, that’s a nice gun. May I take a look?
Gardes: Of course!
Gardes hands over gun.
Constable: Hey, this looks pretty cool. Oh yeah, you’re under arrest.
Gardes: Merde.

The fate of Gardes is not known. Perhaps he was placed in the island’s two-cell jail (pictured right) for the rest of his days, or maybe banished to the nearby island of L’Etac to be defecated on by passing seagulls.

History, however, shall always remember him as “that French nutter who tried to invade Sark”.

See also

• Top ten bizarre micronations and micro-states - Part One • Part Two
• Lost world: the last days of feudal Sark - The Independent

Keep an eye out for the second part of How Not to Invade a Country, even though at the time of writing I haven’t even started on it.

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