Apr 06 2009
Man steps on ant, mainstream news fails to report it
An ant has today been crushed to death after being stood on by a man tending to his garden, completely oblivious to the brutal act of murder he had just committed.
The event has had dramatic implications in the ant’s nest, where fellow workers are coming to terms with a three thousandth death in the last week.
Though the nest will continue to thrive — that is, until the gardener decides to spray ant killer — the ant’s friends will mourn the loss of a valued worker and young family ant with his whole life (six more days) ahead of him.
The man that killed the ant, a gardener from Wessex, said nothing to deny the fact he is a cold-blooded killer.
The ant is dead. I killed him. And I will do it again tomorrow, and again the day after. — Bloke that killed the ant.
The gardener is due in court on the 31st of April, though it is expected that by this time the ant’s family will be long dead and unable to attend. Plus, I don’t think anybody cares, which, experts say, is most likely the reason why the Daily Mail or any other such mainstream newspaper completely failed to report it.
Naff off. — Daily Mail spokesman, doing his best Ronnie Barker impression just for us.
Editor’s note: Retro Yakking likes to cover stories from all walks of life. Any news, no matter how small, is important to us. So, whilst you might have thought this story insignificant, think of the poor family of the dead ant, and families of dead ants the world over.
I recall a Zen master once who killed a fly while Joseph Campbell and I were interviewing him for De Humanities. He swatted the poor shit-eating insect with benign indifference, smiling: “Come back in a more acceptable form.”
Such callousness leads inexorably to Auschwitzers and abject insect annihiliation. I support your noble efforts to save our disenfranchised chitin-covered friends and hope you will join me in extending America’s god-given right to bear arms to all creatures, great and no so great.
That’s what the world really needs now: a new semi-automatic world order.
The ‘ant rights’ folks - where were they in this ordeal?
As my pappy used to say: “It just ant right.”