Retro Yakking

Ahh, fish fingers - the staple diet of millions of families nationwide. Made from pure factory floor sweepings, they have been malnourishing the residents of our humble isles with their meaty dirt chunks and dried chewing gum filling since the 1940s.

With the Credit Crunch biting the hardest it has ever bitten, the country is turning to the cheap as chips British battered delicacy that goes well with anything. And I mean anything. Why not try them with shoe leather for a delightful appetiser?

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Fun things to do with fish fingers

• Place them in a blender to create fish finger-mush that can be enjoyed as a cheap and cheerful alternative dinnertime drink. Get it in your flask and have it with your tuna butties.
• Forget fish finger sandwiches, make your own fish finger pizza! First, take a bunch of fish fingers, remove the batter and put it in a bowl with some glue or something, then mould it into the shape of a pizza base. Cut the remaining filling into small pieces shaped like anchovies and pepperoni and place on top of the base. Cook for 2 hours and enjoy the charred remains. Hey, these are hard times!
• Fish fingers make a delightful alternative to biscuits. In fact, they taste a hundred times better when dipped in tea, coffee, milk or Bisto. Try it yourself: a fishy biccy.
• When your dog isn’t looking, swap his food for your fish fingers. He won’t be able to tell the difference, but you certainly will: standard dog food is made from a higher quality floor sweeping than your common or garden fish fingers.
• Remove the batter and place it over your own fingers. Then you can claim to actually have real fish fingers! Now all we need is for them to make fish thumbs and you will almost have a whole fish hand.

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Well, there we have it. There are hundreds more things you can do with fish fingers, for example go fishing with them and trick the fish into committing an act of cannibalism. That would be fun… but completely pointless. Why not experiment with fish fingers and have a bit of fun while you’re at it?

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