Apr 28 2009
Fun facts about… pig flu
Right, so if you believe all you read in the Daily Mail, we’re all going to die of this swine flu thing that is apparently going round.
If we’re all going to be killed off like flies we have a right to know what on Earth this pig flu is. After all, all they ever say on the news is that it’s called swine flu and it’s killed more people since breakfast time.
In actual fact, this particular strain of flu has never been observed in pigs, and is more of a mutated form of bird flu. Yes, bird flu – that thing they all said we were going to die of a few years ago. And we did.
As then, people are again advised to carry a hammer at all times as protection against renegade pigeons that may be looking to pass on the virus in a zombie-like fashion. If you encounter such a bird, smash the snot out of it and for heaven’s sake do not eat it.
Despite this, I still do not recommend feeding your pig pork scratchings, as this can cause pig cannibalism and in extreme cases Ihavepigfluitis. In case of the latter, do not be fooled by their acting: they are putting it on as remember – pigs cannot contract pig flu.
Pig flu is spread via many means including Ribena, but mainly Mexicans. If you see a Mexican person in the street, refrain from running up to them and kissing them on the lips under any circumstances whatsoever. I know this will be difficult for many of you, but it’s for your own safety, remember.
This new, mutated form of swine flu bears similarities to the so-called ‘Spanish flu’ that killed 50 million worldwide in 1918. This was spread by Spanish people and, strangely, Vietnamese potatoes. The Government have not introduced any advice regarding Spanish people, so you are free to kiss them on the lips if you like. I wouldn’t recommend it myself, however, as they are likely to be highly freaked out.
Stay away from Vietnamese potatoes too.
Nostradamus is said to have predicted this outbreak, noting in his book Nostradamus: The Prophecies that we would all die “when pigs flu”.
This wonderful illness brings new meaning to the sixties term here in the NOMF™ that went OFF THE PIGS. This, of course, was long before the pigs began getting full body armour and automatic weaponry.
Many pigs in the colonies now have personal hovercraft and other malignant pig-shaped hot-air suspender things so that I can no longer remember the first time pigs flew over here.
I realize that all of the pigs over there are gay (why else whould anyone call them bobbies?) and refuse to carry the weapons that God gave real men, along with the second amendment, but over here we count on all heavily armed pigs to keep the Mexicans from rushing across the borders and kissing our birds, if you catch my drift.
By the way, what Nostradahmerus a cannibal?
Speaking of mass debation, reCAPTCHA wants to know how long does it last jacques.
Insert “pigs with man flu” joke here.