Retro Yakking

Haven’t enough spam mail to waste your time with? Then you’re in luck, for the powers that be have sanctioned an official informational leaflet to drop through your letterbox very soon.

This ain’t no regular Al’s Fried Chicken or local yoga classes leaflet, however. This is serious stuff - a life or death situation worth spending the extra money on laminated paper and staples.

But what exactly is going to be in this flyer? Well, as expected, it’s along the lines of the kind of thing Retro Yakking warned you about yesterday: vigilance is required, and above all, do not kiss a Mexican person.

Here’s a quick taster of what will be hitting your doormat/floor/rhythm stick in the coming week.

Do not shoot pigs, as they will not give you the pig flu. If you were planning to cook and eat the pig’s assorted tasty bits afterwards, then go ahead. But don’t go overboard - you would be better off saving the food for the forthcoming famine.

Do shoot birds. They can spread bird flu and will kill you given half the chance. Bird culling is already underway, and residents are advised to carry a blunt object (or just James Blunt) at all times in readiness for mass bird destruction.

Do shoot humans with swine flu. They are the most likely method of you contracting the virus, so are the most deadly of all animals in this time of crisis. Do not forget to pick up your free protective rifle from Boots, Marks and Spencer or Oxfam, courtesy of GlaxoSmithKline.

For more information on swine flu, please see this post.

Editor’s note: midway through writing this post I actually received an Al’s Fried Chicken leaflet through my letterbox! Would you believe that?

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