May 04 2009
Exploding fish - a load of pollocks?
Experts have today announced that fish are ‘too dangerous’ for British supermarket shelves after it was found that a strange disease is causing them to explode.
Scientists continue to be dumbfounded as over 10,000 separate incidents of self-destructing fish have now been reported, ranging from bursting bream to catapulting kippers.
And they are becoming increasingly distressing for the bemused victims.
I was tucking into my tuna salad when ‘BANG!’ Literally - I was scraping the fish off my face for hours after, and had to make do with breadcrumbs and floor sweepings for my tea instead. What a day that was! I think I’ll buy pork next time. — A bemused victim
Potatophysicians have likened the strange affliction to spontaneous human combustion whereby the sufferer sets afire for seemingly no reason whatsoever. In the case of the fish, however, there seem to be no sparks or charred remains - the explosions, experts reason, are akin to a balloon bursting.
If spontaneous combustion were to affect fish, it would certainly make our jobs much easier. That deep fat fryer costs me, like, a million quid a year. — Chippy owner
The Home Office have released the following advice:
- Refrain from walking too close to a fish counter at Tescos
- Stay away from any body of water larger than 10m square
- At the sight of a chip shop, run like hell. Jump behind a phone box or fat person if one is available.
People are also advised to eat cardboard until further notice. Fish fingers are safe to eat - they are not affected by the disease as they contain only 2% fish.
Hmmm. Potatophysicians seem to be horning in on everything these days, and you still haven’t yet answered my last desperate query involving the flipping of fish fingers at unarmed bobbies, and why exactly are they called bobbies, as opposed to laddie boobies. Disquieting mimes need to know reCATCHAly in richards.
By the way, have you seen that unicorn pest recently? He has redirected all of his pessimistic energy to pointing how bad the Beatles still suck after all these years, which is so anti-Michael Fox in these Tom Tryon times.
BTW, if you moved to the states you’d never worry about having a fat person to duck behind during a flatulent fish burst.
Carry on.
Far better they explode on the plate before eating than after…At least that would be my preference.
BTW, is pollocks a pun and who the hell is Arvensen Colton?