Retro Yakking

As soon as it was reported that Michael Jackson had been rushed to hospital in grave medical condition, the mainstream media outlets faced a race against time, scrambling mindlessly to have the first exclusive story announcing his death.

As it transpired, TMZ (no, I haven’t heard of them either) emerged as the very first to report the tragic news. Or was it? In January, the National Enquirer supposedly predicted Michael Jackson would be dead in six months, and now it claims it got there before TMZ (Totally Mental Zebus?).

If we’re going that far back, we might as well open the full can of worms on this matter. Investigative journalist Ian Halperin supposedly foresaw Jackson’s demise as far back as December last year, and it is no coincidence that his forthcoming book Unmasked: The Final Years of Michael Jackson was timed for release around July.

(more…)

Today’s guest post is brought to you by the weird Dutch blokes in short sleeved shirts who patrol the streets with backpacks of an afternoon. We salute you, good sirs!

~ ~ ~ ~

Hello, fellow person! Are you unhappy with your current prophet? Then join the Happy Frolicking Friends! There are no rules or obligations except for a mandatory supplement of just £30 a week. But that’s a small price to pay for eternal happiness, we’re sure you will agree.

At the Happy Frolicking Friends, which is certainly not a cult, we prance all day long in meadows and dales to the music of Spiritualised and Pink Floyd.

Oh what a gay time we have, dancing without a care in the world, our hay fever and minor ailments forgotten in the cocktail of mind altering substances we consume on an hourly basis. How else would we rope sane people into the group? Oh, did I say that bit out loud?

(more…)

You would be forgiven for thinking the world is heading into a deep vortex of no return, what with the troubles in Iraq and Pakistan, bomb blasts, car crashes, and an epidemic that is set to wipe out humanity before the year ends.

But nobody cares about that, because Michael Jackson is dead.

 Jacko’s death, and Missy’s naughty bedroom secret (Daily Sport, bottom left)

An evil scientist is about the drown the Earth in a vat of steaming hot lava, but no-one seems to have noticed. Superman, Batman and all the other superheroes that may possibly have saved us all, but they have all begun a period of mourning for the King of Pop, and refuse to emerge from their respective HQs.

But nobody cares about that, because Michael Jackson is dead.

(more…)

Ten weeks ago, Retro Yakking reported that England’s top secret weapon for the 2009 Ashes series would be a team made up of eleven Freddie Flintoffs.

It transpires that for the last five years, the England and Wales Cricket Board have been working with the world’s top scientists and insane medical experts (the likes of which have not been seen since early 70s Bond villains) to create a ’superteam’ consisting entirely of Flintoffs. — Retro Yakking, 5th April 2009

Unfortunately for England and the ECB, the plan did not remain secret for much longer. Within days of the post appearing on this site, it was confirmed that the compound in which the Freds were being held was broken into by an unidentified intruder.

Since then, authorities have been searching far and wide for the escaped Flintoff clones, and though they have managed to retrieve three of them, none will be sober enough for the Ashes series beginning next month.

(more…)

Right, now I have managed to settle the legal issues with Mr. Jackson’s solicitor, I can reveal that the Jack Michaelson referred to in the previous post was in fact Michael Jackson. But then you probably knew that already, and if you didn’t you’ve most likely been living on Mars for the past few days.

So here’s the deal. Michael Jackson faked his death in an attempt to sell more records. Indeed, within hours of reports that Jacko had gone to rock and roll heaven, sales of his albums absolutely skyrocketed. Amazon.com had fourteen of MJ’s albums in their top twenty, with Off The Wall hitting the number one spot pretty soon after the news filtered through.

It’s well documented that Jackson needed the money. Most recently, he sold a huge stake in his Neverland ranch, and his debts reportedly exceeded $500million at the time of his death. His comeback tour, which was set to include a staggering fifty nights at the London O2 Arena, would redress the balance somewhat, estimated to be worth $50million. But would it be enough?

(more…)