Retro Yakking

• The amount of time you make your dog wait before giving it a biscuit is directly proportional to the number of fingers it will bite off. Waiting over one minute may also lead to the loss of an arm.
• It takes approximately seven minutes for the floor to become as dirty as it was just before you vacuumed it.
• The further you eat into a packet of crisps, the tastier they become, the very last one being the most flavoursome.
• The optimum number of beer cans to place in the fridge is four: any fewer and they will have been consumed before you return from work, any more and they will have been removed to make way for milk and eggs.

• Grocery shopping always ends up costing more than you budgeted for, especially if you claim to be on a diet.
• There is a direct correlation between the time it takes to close all windows in your house and the number of bluebottles in your kitchen.
• No matter how long you pick at them, it is impossible to completely remove the bitter, stringy parts from the edible part of a banana.
• You will still be annoyed by the fact BBC decided to screen The Apprentice at the same time as the crucial Champions League qualifier, even though you have Sky+ and know perfectly well how to use it.
• Crazy people at football/rugby matches are evenly spread throughout the stadium so it is guaranteed that you will have your day spoiled by one.

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