Retro Yakking

Ten weeks ago, Retro Yakking reported that England’s top secret weapon for the 2009 Ashes series would be a team made up of eleven Freddie Flintoffs.

It transpires that for the last five years, the England and Wales Cricket Board have been working with the world’s top scientists and insane medical experts (the likes of which have not been seen since early 70s Bond villains) to create a ’superteam’ consisting entirely of Flintoffs. — Retro Yakking, 5th April 2009

Unfortunately for England and the ECB, the plan did not remain secret for much longer. Within days of the post appearing on this site, it was confirmed that the compound in which the Freds were being held was broken into by an unidentified intruder.

Since then, authorities have been searching far and wide for the escaped Flintoff clones, and though they have managed to retrieve three of them, none will be sober enough for the Ashes series beginning next month.

The whereabouts of the other seven is not known at this point, but it is hoped that by raising public awareness one or two may turn up before the end of the Ashes summer. The ECB were initially wary of releasing this information, but fruitless searches have almost forced them into asking for the public’s help.

Search your local bars, taverns and pedalo marinas! If we found one of the Freds tomorrow, it could still play in the final Test given an intense regime of meat pies and fish suppers. — Giles Clarke, chairman of the ECB

The author of said article, Harry Yack,  has received a slap on the wrist and his England’s Barmy Army membership suspended for three weeks. He was not prevented from watching the Twenty20 world cup, however, and may possibly have leaked further confidential material on his website.

If you find a Freddie, report him to the police immediately and you could help England win back the Ashes. Ply him with sausages if you must, but do not, under any circumstances, offer him beer.

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