Jun 30 2009
Who was the first to predict Michael Jackson’s death? Uncyclopedia, of course
As soon as it was reported that Michael Jackson had been rushed to hospital in grave medical condition, the mainstream media outlets faced a race against time, scrambling mindlessly to have the first exclusive story announcing his death.
As it transpired, TMZ (no, I haven’t heard of them either) emerged as the very first to report the tragic news. Or was it? In January, the National Enquirer supposedly predicted Michael Jackson would be dead in six months, and now it claims it got there before TMZ (Totally Mental Zebus?).
If we’re going that far back, we might as well open the full can of worms on this matter. Investigative journalist Ian Halperin supposedly foresaw Jackson’s demise as far back as December last year, and it is no coincidence that his forthcoming book Unmasked: The Final Years of Michael Jackson was timed for release around July.
I timed it because I knew around this time he was a candidate to die. I’m being totally up-front about that. — Halperin in an interview with the Globe and Mail
However, even Halperin’s prediction was preceded by a shocking revelation that appeared on reliable news website Uncyclopedia in 2005. According to the source, Jackson was “chased down by an angry mob of hungry youths who chopped him up with pieces of salvaged scrap metal and devoured him” in 1967.
Whilst this would account for many things, including why his nose refused to stay attached to his face even with the aid of sellotape, it does not explain why Jackson went on to subsequently carve out a successful pop career whilst six feet under.
It’s very simple. Jackson was able to perform those spectacularly contortionist, back breaking dance moves because he was in actual fact a zombie. Have you never seen Thriller? I’d have thought there were extensive clues in that video. He’s not like other boys because he’s a supernatural undead being. — Uncyclopedia spokesperson
So there you have it - Jackson has been dead for over forty years, and society still hasn’t got over it. Maybe this time, people will really believe.
