Retro Yakking

According to a new report by people who think they know what they’re talking about, the moon has not existed for almost twelve years.

The revelations, from leading astrological astronomical types NASA, come just days before the fortieth anniversary of the moon landings.

The story is thus: the moon exploded in a giant ball of flames in 1997. It is thought the great celestial body could no longer stand mankind’s constant wittering about celebrities and mundane daily tasks, so blew itself up.

It is well documented that numerous conspiracy theorists do not think man visited the moon in 1969. They are explicitly mentioned in the document, which brands them “deluded” and “crazy old fools”.

The report goes on to outline exactly how the moon can actually be seen from Earth when in fact it does not exist. Apparently, in the 1980s, scientists discovered that the moon was much further away from Earth than was previously thought, and was moving away from us at a speed of twenty light months per day.

It appeared to be a consistent day-to-day size from Earth’s perspective as it was also growing larger by the year - in actual fact, by 1987, the moon was the size of Megajupiter (think Jupiter, but much more mega). However, because it was so far away from us, it took just over 12 years for light from the moon to reach Earth.

The moon we currently see in our night sky is actually the moon in 1997… just months before its self-imposed explosion. In just under a week’s time, Earth is set to witness this moment of great astronomical significance as the moon explodes, twelve years ago.

Mainstream media sources have dismissed the report as an “insane conspiracy theory dreamt up by people with too much time on their hands” and “plain stupid”. For this reason, they have chosen not to even bother wasting column inches on “this insignificant, outlandish fantasy of a fairy tale”, instead deciding to print another article on Mars’s impending invasion of Earth.

Harry Yack too questions exactly what the author of NASA’s report was smoking when he sat down to write it.

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