Retro Yakking

Michael Jackson’s gigs at London’s O2 Arena are set to go ahead, despite the fact the performer and main attraction is, well, dead.

Embracing the mantra ‘the show must go on’, execs will follow Elvis Presley’s lead and play VHS footage of the King of Pop on the arena’s big screens.

O2 officials are set to rake in the readies, saving huge amounts on overheads such as dressing room rental and artists’ private parking spaces.

And in an unexpected twist, an extra fifty nights are being added to the tour, meaning the gigs now total 100 and are set to finish on December 17th. In the wake of Jackson’s death, the events are expected to be a huge success, even more so than if he were alive.

It’s like the man himself said - don’t stop until you get enough… money, that is. It’s what he would have wanted. — O2  spokesman

Jackson no doubt wishes he hadn’t died, as although the punishing 100-night schedule would most likely have killed him anyway, he would have earned enough to pay off his enormous debts. What’s more, there would have been just enough left over for an ice cream and Jesus Juice with his fans afterwards.

Among the stars to make guest appearances at the gigs are Jackson’s body double Wacko Jacko, Bubbles the chimp and the Mysterymobile, a VW camper which MJ would use to drive around Neverland solving mysteries such as who stole the loo roll.

Of the revelations, critics remarked that the Rolling Stones had been doing this for years, somehow managing to hoodwink fans into thinking they were in fact all still alive.

Between you and me, it’s a miracle they still don’t know. If we can do it, I’m sure the biggest selling artist of his generation could pull it off quite easily. Wait, is this off the record? You’d better not print this, you son of a… — Keith Richards

In related news, it’s been revealed that the Jackson family ordered the return of Jackson’s brain before his burial. It is thought this was transplanted into the head of the family dog, who has took to moonwalking across the carpet before grabbing his crotch and letting out a high pitched scream.

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