Retro Yakking

There’s one particular post on this website that has elicited more comment and controversy than any other, and that’s my tongue-in-cheek refusal to believe King Jacko is in fact dead.

Whilst creating that post, I began to actually believe the hype that I, myself was building up, but little did I know I was contributing to a monster.

Just to recap, in that post I posited the suggestion that Jackson faked his death in order to recoup some of his massive debts. A recent report in the Guardian claimed that he had in fact clawed back up to a third of that cash since his ‘death’, further fuelling the conspiracists.

It seems this kook theory circling the gutter press and opinion blogs has gained some momentum of late, especially since a video reportedly showing Jackson walking away from the death scene with the coroner emerged over the past week.

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 Hart made his début as the stereotypical Northerner
in some Retro Yakking promotional material.

No website has done as much for the popularity of a certain Alf Hart than Retro Yakking. That’s right, the blog you are reading right now is responsible for launching the career of the multi-talented Mr. Hart, the man responsible for so many memorable quotations in the nine months since Retro Yakking’s formation.

In that time, Mr. Hart has been a spokesperson for The Sun, The Million Millionaires Project and the World Frog Throwers’ Association amongst numerous other things. But Hart is perhaps most well known for his work as a disgruntled resident, most famously speaking out against a group of inflatable Santa-bursting vandals.

This time last year I was scraping chewing gum from bus seat covers — that was an unpleasant experience, let me tell you. Retro Yakking has really changed my fortunes, getting me some vital contacts in the media. Since being featured in Londis News and The Daily Manhole Cover, people have been stopping me in the street and saying, oh, you’re that Fart guy, aren’t you? Al Fart! Oh, their misinterpretation of my name makes me laugh so.

Such a meteoric rise to fame has not changed Hart, at least according to the man himself.

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90s rock legend Noel Gallagher has announced he will split with Oasis for the tenth time this year, the fifteenth time this tour and 131st time since the band was formed in 1992.

The news will come as absolutely no shock to anyone at all, considering it had been a whole week since Gallagher last quit Oasis. That time, he and his brother Liam had come to blows over who should have the last banana in the fruit bowl. Noel emerged victorious, facepalming Liam with a cheese and pickle sandwich (which reportedly “stung like ****”).

Yesterday, in similar scenes, Noel threw three tomatoes and a Rickenbacker at his brother, almost decapitating him.

As usually happens with these sorts of incidents, fans are mourning the death of Oasis, as with the departure of the main songwriter the band will surely collapse under its own weight.

But lead singer Liam Gallagher announced that the show must go on.

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Seems Saturday has rolled around once again. Exactly one week ago, Retro Yakking’s very own Harry Yack was sent down the road to the DW Stadium to report on the ‘big’ Wigan-Manchester United Premier League football clash.

Typically and somewhat predictably, he reported back fashionably late, smelling strongly of alcohol. His excuse was that there are a lot of water fountains at the stadium, but of course he was just stalling whilst he thought of an excuse for being in the Tudor until 8PM.

Still, he managed to grab one or two images on his phone - which raises questions in itself, like how he managed to press the buttons with his cumbersome yak hooves. At any rate, his match report was somewhat pitiful, consisting of simply ‘moooo’. Instead, here’s a selection of photographs with humorous captions to make up for Mr. Yack’s gross incompetence.

 ”May I have this dance, Ryan?”
“Oh Nemanja, you dance divinely!”

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Middle class people are being dubbed society’s new binge drinkers, gulping down on average up to seven times more alcohol than their working counterparts ‘by stealth’. According to leading market research analysts Mintel, people who don’t necessarily intend to go on binges are unwittingly participating in such activities by drinking water.

Water? — Reader

Yes, water.

Experts tested water sources serving middle class homes and found they are ‘tainted’ by some sort of alcoholic substance, possibly alcohol. Extensive research has shown that reservoirs in more affluent areas have in fact been sabotaged. Naturally, the finger of blame is pointed firmly at the working class, who, due to their lack of verbosity, can do nothing to counter the scathing witticisms of their more educated critics.

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