Retro Yakking

Speedy Clean are being hailed as the new Ghostbusters after saving numerous households from vicious green slime monsters.

The beings are created when various food packagings come together in the same brown wheelie bin, and emerge from their squalor to irritate residents just minutes before they are due to be mutilated by bin wagons on Friday mornings.

But the bin cleaning service has thankfully kept the beasts under wraps, blasting them with powerful jets of water within minutes of a simple phone call. Unfortunately for residents, there are no other bin cleaning services in the area, meaning Speedy Clean can charge whatever the hell they like for one bin wash. One disgruntled resident spoke of his disgust over the situation.

This is supposed to be a period of recession! I simply do not have the £200 for these blasted slime thingies to be exterminated every single week. — Local resident Alf Hart

Mr. Hart is not alone. Unable to afford the Speedy Clean service, some have taken to keeping the beings at bay with hosepipes, brooms and garden tools.

If you set the sprinkler to full power, I find it stops them from trampling all over your labelias. — Stan Still, not a local resident but some bloke from the mental hospital

Retro Yakking especially recommends barbecue tongs, garden shears or fire pokers to fend off slime monster attacks until the binmen arrive. Alternatively, purchase a dog and it will eat the monster before depositing it in a nice, glowing green package which can be used as compost. Beware, however: using it on your carrots may have dire consequences.

Councils claim to be ‘dealing with the problem’, but when we approached our local Councillor, we found him sitting on the toilet. On the toilet! How on Earth is he going to deal with the slime monster outbreak in the bog? Disgraceful. — Alf Hart, again

On a local level, Wigan Council are said to be ‘doing nothing’ and will address the problem ‘when Eastenders finishes’.

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