Retro Yakking

 Well, it beats watching Eastenders.

…oh, but it seems they already have.

Not content with robbing us blind with its compulsory television license, the BBC has resolved to change their broadcasting platform and make us buy potloads of new state-of-the-art expensive equipment. Well, at least they had the common courtesy of informing us all - and boy did they really go to town on that.

First there was the commercial campaign starring the most characterless character ever - a small, fat, mute robot that’ll supposedly help us all embrace the digital revolution when in actual fact he is as useless as BBCi. Then there was the 1984-style billboard campaign attempting to persuade us that the switch to digital television is for the good of the greater nation. Digital television - it’s what makes Britain great, supposedly.

Now, as the analogue switchoff date draws near, the campaign has reached saturation point, flooding the public consciousness with newspaper spreads, bus banners and whacking great informational broadcasts that take up half the ad break. Speaking of which, I do not appreciate my radio calling me an ‘old codger’ just because I still use an analogue radio - I’m looking at you, TalkSport!

There’s even a 20-page information booklet which has been delivered to every household that will ensure everyone is aware of the switchover. Twenty pages. Twenty.

To be honest, you’d have to have been living in Kerguelen for the past ten years not to know everything outlined in the booklet by now, save maybe the specific switchoff dates (which, by the way, are most likely not set in stone). A small flyer that said ‘the digital switchover is coming - retune your boxes on the 14th of December’ would have sufficed, but no.

“A full-colour, large print full-on booklet telling us all why it’s best we switch to digital - that’s the way to go!” Way to waste our taxes, head media blokes.

Worst of all, you could have read all about this and much more if you’d read Retro Yakking’s guide to the forthcoming digital switchover. If I may quote:

Stare at your unplugged television. This will effectively simulate a situation you will often find yourself in when watching digital TV, as if there is poor reception, rather than becoming ’snowy’ the picture disappears completely. For added realism, run down the batteries in your remote control by endlessly and repeatedly attempting to change the channel. — Retro Yakking: Coping with the digital switchover, 18th February 2009

This passage effectively sums up the problem with digital television. Yes, it does provide a clearer, more colourful picture - in short spurts before the signal inevitably goes down, at which point the screen remains blank for hours.

And besides, there’s no fun in watching crystal clear HD television - I want to watch a heavily snowed Channel Five until my eyes bleed. They need the exercise.

There now follows a message from the Anti-Digital Association of Lesser Britain.

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