Retro Yakking

As expected, the decision to allow women’s boxing at the next Olympic Games in 2012 has opened the floodgates for a raft of new sports to be added to the roster.

In a bid to actually win some medals and get some payback for the Australians’ (probable) win in this summer’s Ashes series, the IOC have commissioned a selection of newer sports more unique to the British Isles.

It will come as a surprise to many that barrel rolling is among the accepted proposals. As mentioned in a post earlier this week, Harry Yack gave a detailed demonstration of the intricacies of the sport, outlining to IOC officials how not to smash your head open on the metal bits.

Somehow, the panel found it suitable for Olympic competition, despite the lack of professionalism in the sport: in fact, it costs 20 times more to stage the event than is actually received in gate receipts. We’ll let you figure that one out for yourself.

A caveat for the 2012 competition is that the barrel must be 5% filled with beer as sustenance for the competitor on their trip down the 2-mile long hill course which will be built from landfill and the corpses of pigeons shot down in Leicester Square.

Aside from barrel rolling, the most talked about (and perhaps most clichéd) addition to the list of Olympic events is the 100m pub crawl, which encompasses beer swilling, fist fighting on tables and the infamous 100-yard of ale race. The winner is the person who staves off severe blood poisoning the longest.

Fouling football is also set to make its début under the Mornington Ruleset, which states the game must be played on a quarter-sized pitch with jumpers for goalposts, utilise a burst tennis ball and have absolutely no fouls whatsoever.

Clay pigeon shooting will be replaced by live scally shooting, an event endorsed by the Queen herself, who believes it will be an effective method of dealing with overpopulation in inner-city areas.

Additionally, hitting innocent people over the head with wooden sticks, bullying and Nintendo DS stealing — all very popular amongst schoolchildren — are being considered for 2012. The ultimate hope is that school playtimes will become the new  proving grounds for tomorrow’s athletes, if they aren’t battered to death before they reach the age of 12.

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