Retro Yakking

A new A-level marking method that allows students to give themselves their own grade has ensured record pass rates the likes of which have not been seen since, well, last year.

That time, markers were allowed to accept bribes from students for the first time since before World War II.

The overall pass rate has now hit an unprecedented 120%, with a record 40,000 Grade As being dished out this year. Ungraded papers are now almost negligible, and there has even been a rise in the number of ‘A plus stars’, a grade that previously never even existed, up from zero last year to three this term.

The scheme, introduced last year as a cost-cutting measure in the wake of the country’s economic turmoil, is said to have saved over ten berjillion pounds in marking costs. Though the cash was frittered away to the big banks in no time, the new method is being hailed a success by the Labour Party.

We looked at the statistics and thought, how can we manipulate them to our advantage? How could we ensure the highest marks possible? Well, one of the bright sparks over at the House of Commons suggested we get rid of the uncertainty of having markers altogether.

Students are not stupid, not even the stupid ones, when it comes to grading their own papers. They know what’s best for the Government… I mean, themselves. — Alf Hart, Labour Party representative

The National Rubber Stamp Company is reporting record business in red ‘You got and A’ stamps, and ‘Congratulations on your success’ greetings cards have never been so popular.

The scheme has also made for some interesting answers to questions on the papers. Normally these would be kept under wraps, but Retro Yakking hijacked a lorry in which a batch of marked papers were being carried in order to bring you a sample of some of the answers given on this year’s A-level papers.

Q: Who is the Chancellor of the Exchequer? (Foundation Economics)
A: Action Man. (Marked correct)
A: A man. (Marked correct)
A: Mickey Mouse (Marked correct, surprise surprise)

Q: Give the location of Uranus in relation to other celestial bodies. (Advanced Astronomy)
A: I would like to answer that, but I would like to summon my solicitor first. (Undetermined)
A: Round the back of Pizza Hut. Can I have my KFC now? (Correct)

Q: Find A. (Advanced trigonometry)
A: It’s before B. Check your dictionary. (Correct)

Trackback URI | Comments RSS