Aug 30 2009
Sunday Stupidity: An interview with Alf Hart
Hart made his début as the stereotypical Northerner
in some Retro Yakking promotional material.
No website has done as much for the popularity of a certain Alf Hart than Retro Yakking. That’s right, the blog you are reading right now is responsible for launching the career of the multi-talented Mr. Hart, the man responsible for so many memorable quotations in the nine months since Retro Yakking’s formation.
In that time, Mr. Hart has been a spokesperson for The Sun, The Million Millionaires Project and the World Frog Throwers’ Association amongst numerous other things. But Hart is perhaps most well known for his work as a disgruntled resident, most famously speaking out against a group of inflatable Santa-bursting vandals.
This time last year I was scraping chewing gum from bus seat covers — that was an unpleasant experience, let me tell you. Retro Yakking has really changed my fortunes, getting me some vital contacts in the media. Since being featured in Londis News and The Daily Manhole Cover, people have been stopping me in the street and saying, oh, you’re that Fart guy, aren’t you? Al Fart! Oh, their misinterpretation of my name makes me laugh so.
Such a meteoric rise to fame has not changed Hart, at least according to the man himself.
I still live alone in the same bedsit I’ve always called home. I think I recall buying full-fat milk one day, as a kind of celebration, but apart from that nothing has changed. Not at all.
At this moment, our interviewer pointed out the large widescreen television and state-of-the-art stereo system in the corner of Hart’s flat, to which he did not respond, but hastily attempted to change the subject.
I seem to recall doing a brief stint as a prison warden, one of the stranger gigs I’ve had. That was rather fun: I got to meet a lot of interesting people, including a man with no fingers. He told me he lost them in a freak accident involving a bread-making machine at a Warburton’s factory. He uses socks for gloves. What a nice chap he was!
Best of all, though, I was made Merseyside Chief of Police for two months. I managed to collar one miscreant trying to use the toilet bowl rather than the urinal to do a number one. Put him away for six weeks… ah, the memories!
But it hasn’t all been plain sailing for Hart.
The Million Millionaires project was fraught with dangers, mostly stemming from the fact I had to learn to use a computer. I seem to recall we went through seven keyboards while I learned not to mash them with the palm of my hand. And don’t even get me started on the number of computer screens we had to buy… still, at least I’ve got the hang of it now.
Mr. Hart proceeded to demonstrate his proficiency at catching his computer mouse with a rat trap. At this point, our interviewer decided to call an end to the interview, as he “had to go home for tea”. He didn’t really, as he had just been to Subway an hour ago.
Hart is currently preparing for a role in the West End show Chicago, starring alongside The Angry German Kid, Dramatic Chipmunk and Dominik Diamond. Tickets are available now via your local dodgy DVD vendor or Big Issue seller.
