Sep 10 2009
Gregorian calendar reaches 09/09/09, world ends
The fires of Hell rose up from the ground yesterday as the world ended in an unprecedented blaze of infamy.
Crazy people had been predicting it for years, first citing the new Millennium, then 01/01/01, 02/02/02 and so on as the true Judgement Day.
This time round, their random guesswork and synchronisation of a man-made system to document the passage of time with natural events was eerily accurate, considering each and every other of their apocalyptic predictions transpired to be complete nonsense.
One man was so confident of the world’s end that he placed a $5,000 bet on the event, and is now a multi-millionaire buried in a coffin made from $5 bills and dollar coins. Billions of other people weren’t so lucky: they were burned to a crisp as a fireball of unstoppable force surged through the continents, obliterating everything in its path.
A select few managed to survive, but it is thought that they, too shall be killed off by the lack of sustainable food and water sources, since the flames dried up all the world’s oceans and turned the once-thriving sea beds into mass graves of fried jellyfish and seaweed.
Attempts to repopulate the world have so far been unsuccessful due to the fact the only people to survive resemble, and could even be half-dead mutant zombies from the centre of the Earth. George A. Romero is supposedly suing God, though there are no confirmed reports of his actual survival.
Religious fundamentalists have been gloating about the fact they have been predicting this historic event for so long, and are pleased that they have finally been taken from this Earth to be with God in Heaven. Unfortunately for them, God hates a pretentious religious person as much as the next man, so the likelihood is that those people will be condemned to eternal damnation in the pits of Hell.
Still, it could be worse. At least England qualified for the World Cup finals in South Africa next year.
