Retro Yakking

It’s mini, and it’s E (whatever that’s supposed to mean)… BMW’s new E-Mini is set to revolutionise motoring as we know it, for this is no regular car - it does not run on petrol, rather Ecstasy tablets.

It is of course the automotive industry’s contribution to helping society clamp down on illegal drugs, by using them to power cars. Currently the E-Mini only runs on Es, but in the future will be adapted to take paracetamol, Calpol and blue Smarties - the latter of which yields a potent power that will fuel the car for years.

Critics allege that, while there is no doubting the potential of Class C drugs as a solution to the world’s economic and environmental problems, it could have a profound, unwanted effect on recreational, or even professional, drug use.

Think about it. If I can buy Ecstasy pills over the counter at the petrol station — or drug station, as it will probably become known — how the heck do they know if I’m taking them, or worse, giving them to my children? — Disgusted resident Al Fart (No relation to Alf Hart)

Not everybody agrees with Mr. Fart. Studies show that the E-Mini will run for three days on a single Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (yes, that’s the primary active agent of Ecstasy) tablet.

Woohooo! Yeeeah! Wooooo! — BMW’s new E-Mini blazing down a highway

Woohooo! Yeeeah! Wooooo! — The E-Mini’s driver, on a blazing high

The only downside is that after the energy provided by the tablet runs out, the car will become completely unable to move unless it is fuelled with more pills. If this occurs in the middle of a busy motorway, it could lead to untold damage, loss of life and the “waste of good E” (Anonymous contributor, Nuts Magazine).

BMW plan to have the E-Mini in mass production by next Christmas, or as they like to call it, “the Party Period”. Hmm…

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