Retro Yakking

University and college students are set to be offered a massive discount on Microsoft’s Windows 7 operating system, which will cost them a mere £30 from October 1st.

The offer is likely to include a watered-down version of Windows complete with 500kb hard disk space, though experts suggest that for 30 quid it is likely to be nearer 350kb after installation of necessary Microsoft spyware.

There will, however, ‘definitely’ be a floppy disk drive, and a ‘whopping’ 40kb of RAM according to Microsoft’s public relations officer Alf Hart.

This is a fantastic offer for any student who hates Apple or cannot afford an Acorn Archimedes. It is open to all students with a valid .EDU email address or the equivalent of £30’s worth of XBOX Live points (10,000,000). — Alf Hart

You can get your own .edu domain email address by breaking into student accommodation and stealing laptops. Microsoft themselves — whose opinion ought to be heeded as they are expert thieves — recommend Birmingham, though word on the street is that security is poor in York.

Other features set to be included in the Windows 7 student package are DOS support and free keyboard, but no mouse. Again, these are available in your local student village, as are freezers full of ready meals and Nissan Micras. Be quick, though, as freshman week is almost upon us and this offer will only be available for a limited period.

Notice: Retro Yakking does not condone petty thievery, especially from those who have little to steal in the first place. For this reason, try Oxford or Cambridge.

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