Sep 29 2009
Britain braces itself for giant spider invasion
Were you quaking in your boots at the thought of this summer’s killer squirrels? Well, they’re nothing compared to what’s coming this autumn: deadly spiders.
These aren’t your regular, run of the mill house spiders, though, these are genetically mutated monster spiders the likes of which haven’t ever been seen on these shores. The result of interbreeding between regular spiders and Bulgarian jungle spiders — the latter of which can grow up to a metre long — has spawned a breed of megabeasts that will swallow your cat whole in an instant.
What’s more, their superglue-laden webs could easily trap a human should they be foolish enough to walk into one. Tarantulas have nothing on these guys, who’ll think nothing of consuming your television, DVD player and even XBOX 360 - and man, are those things huge.
To ward off the spiders, residents are urged to place conkers around their house. According to Alf Hart, professor at Arachnid University, Dorset, this strange and never-before-seen breed of superspiders hate the smell of horse chestnuts.
We’ve done extensive research on breeding, feeding and sleeping patterns of this curious beast, and have so far found out absolutely nothing other than they seem to have a taste for almost anything. That includes household furniture, microwaves and of course your next-door neighbour’s lawnmower. — Alf Hart
The government is urging everyone to keep a cricket bat or golf club close at hand just in case one should sneak up on you. However, this is highly unlikely as you will hear their legs rubbing together from a distance of 1.3 miles (calculated to the nearest centimetre), so will have ample time to get your 300 litre bottle of insect spray. Remember to point it away from small children and animals (except spiders, of course), or death may result.
