Oct 01 2009
Freeview retune: How to rescan your set top box
If you’re still confused over the whole 30th September retuning of your Freeview box thing, then fear not, for Retro Yakking is here to help.
Yes, the very site that brought you the complete guide to the digital switchover is on the case once again to ensure not a soul is left behind in the digital revolution.
As we mentioned yesterday, the powers that be are rolling out a nationwide update of the Freeview format, encompassing Freesat, NTL and other such free-to-view television receivers. This is essential in upgrading Freeview to High Definition, an ongoing process that will likely take a while, but nonetheless be upon us later rather than sooner.
So we’re assured that it’s for the greater good of the nation, and we shall give them the benefit of the doubt on that. In the short term, however, there are likely to be some problems: here is a brief run down of some of the most common and how they can be easily fixed in minutes.
If you still see a ‘retune your box’ message, then you’re going to have to fiddle around with the remote control. Mash all the buttons until something happens; if all your channels disappear, do not worry, for this is normal. Simply blame Gordon Brown and vote Lib Dem/Conservative/Green/Monster Raving Loony at the next local elections.
If you see a ‘this channel has moved’ message, slide your television three metres to the left. If the message still appears, try moving it the other way and testing out different locations in your house until the channel returns and the television is back in synch with the channel itself. We recommend trying on top of the kitchen sink, the toilet cistern
or next to the washing machine for best results.
If all your channels are missing, check down the back of the sofa, the fridge and the last place you looked. Failing that, call International Rescue or at least the next door neighbours, who will help you search your living room for the lost channels. Apparently ITV2 likes hiding behind plant pots, but watch out for spiders.
If your set top box stops responding altogether, hit it with a mallet. It won’t necessarily bring back your service, but there is a small chance, and even if it doesn’t work you’re free of having to rescan your box every two days.
If you see a message that reads ‘Ho ha Iv haxed yer box oh yer’, then your box has been hacked by a local miscreant/Turkish hacker. Combat this with the Good Times fix, which can be found at any of the major unlicensed file sharing websites in your region. Remember to check for Trojans first, though: televisual ones come in the form of a ‘Press the Blue button’ message, and can easily be differentiated from regular ‘Press the Red button’ messages if you aren’t colourblind.
If your television is stuck on the cookery channel, please ensure that it is not the microwave oven you are attempting to retune. Also, if you intend to eat the food inside, make sure you have the correct permission from its owner before consuming.
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