Oct 27 2009
Tesco Value fish fingers are “definitely not floor sweepings”
The Yak’s dumb emails are back! This one’s pretty self-explanatory, I should think.
From: davejones@tesco.co.uk
Date: 27th October 2009
To: Mr. Harry Yack
Subject: Re: Tesco Value fish fingersDear Mr. Yack,
We write in response to your various claims regarding Tesco Value fish fingers. Our chefs would like to assure you that this product is made from 100% fish, not floor sweepings or shoe rubber and certainly not radioactive tramps as you asserted in your post dated 22nd April 2009.
Any ingredient you may find in our product other than cod, breadcrumbs or reconstituted glucose syrup is most likely due to a discrepancy in the quality control process. In future, we would prefer it if you could inform our public relations officer rather than simply writing about it on your internet world wide web site for all to see.
We would be more than happy to replace your product or provide you with store credit should you do so, providing you do not tell everyone about it.
Thanks,
Dave, Tesco.co.uk
Oh really, Mr. Jones? Here’s Harry Yack’s reply.
From: Harry Yack
Date: 27th October 2009
To: Mr. Dave Jones
Subject: Re: Re: Tesco Value fish fingersDear Mr. Jones,
To prove it to you once and for all, I decided to test my own theory in a series of experiments.
According to my analysis, which involved rigorous testing with a metal detector, magnets and hitting the product with a large mallet, my assumptions have been proved correct. I assure you that my tests are wholly scientific and adhere to conventions outlined by the British Scientific Studies Society (BSSS).
If you disagree, please try attaching a regular fridge magnet to a packet of Tesco fish fingers and telling me it will not stick. In fact, it took a blowtorch and crowbar for me to remove said magnet, which I needed to pin up my shopping list.
Furthermore, I challenge you to find a metal detector that does not bleep when hovered in the general direction of a fridge full of the product.
Mr. Harry Yack
I shall reward anyone who can prove fish fingers to be less than 5% fish with a pack of Morrisons Value range fish fingers. Well, what else?
I purposely stay away from fish fingers or sticks or whatever. I don’t even think they taste like any food a normal man could recognize. You know how everything tastes like chicken? Nothing tastes like fish sticks.
Ah, surely you mean ‘fish sticks taste like nothing’? Nah, that’s unfair. They taste like dirt, I guess…