Retro Yakking

Fourteen times Major winner Tiger Woods was rushed to hospital on Friday following an alleged incident involving a kitchen toaster.

At approximately 7PM UK time, the mainstream media reported that Woods had been admitted to the Health Central Hospital near Ocoee after his apparent involvement in a road traffic accident.

Retro Yakking can exclusively reveal, however, that the crash was staged in order to cover up a highly embarrassing domestic incident involving some burned toast.

Woods was making his usual breakfast of fried egg on toast in a special toaster that burns a little picture of a golf ball on a tee into your bread. It was bought for him last Christmas by his wife, who thought it would be a novel way for Tiger to start the day.

On this occasion, however, the appliance malfunctioned and, as so often happens, the toast got stuck. Woods attempted to fish out the bread with a fork, but unfortunately forgot to unplug it first, leading to a short electric shock.

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“Power.“

Those of you that are familiar with my work will know that I’m not one to waste my time with unnecessary lengthy introductions, so I’ll get straight to the point: something the regular author of this ‘website’ will do well to note for future reference.

When I, Jeremy Clarkson, was asked to do a special column for a ’small time Internet weblog’, I was initially reluctant. After all, what does this Hairy Yack person know about cars, or even anything? I bet he’s one of those poncy hybrid drivers with bits of glitter and vegetable skin in his hair, or some chavvy Honda Civic owner from Cheetham Hill. I have my reputation to uphold, and should I be spotted writing for the gutter ‘press’ they’ll never let me back into Yorkshire ever again.

However, I’ve already offended precisely 234,092 people — I know it’s that many because I keep a personal record on my advanced calculator thingy — so I figured it would not hurt to increase that figure, even if only by a little bit. Any publicity is good publicity, as they say.

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One part down and nine to go in Retro Yakking’s new(ish) series that’ll be a godsend to spongers, cheapskates and homeless people everywhere: useful stuff you can do with newspaper.

Today’s list has a distinctly delicious air about it, with ten tippety top food-related tips for reusing your morning paper once you’ve done completing the wordsearch and attempting to laugh at the cartoon strips.

We shall steer clear of the overused ‘newspaper cuisine’ idea of cooking and eating The Times with your Sunday lunch, mostly because everyone already knows about that. Indeed, our paper recycling bag is pretty much empty in these times of economic hardship since King Henry VIII raised taxes and introduced a ban on five pound notes.

Nope, we’re going to try and be a bit more original to actually provide some useful information for those of us living on the breadline. After all, that’s the idea of a ‘tips’ post, isn’t it?

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In my opinion, QI’s been off the general public radar for an unfashionably long time now. Well, that’s technically incorrect, as there’ve been endless repeats of all six series up until this point on Dave, which is quite surprising considering that 98.4% of the channel’s programming consists of Top Gear ‘mashups’. For the uninitiated, they’re mutilated versions of the BBC broadcasts cut down to fit into 47 minutes of programming per hour, a bit like the syndicated versions in Oz and North America.

There are, however, no such cost-cutting measures in place on BBC1, Quite Interesting’s established home on the Beeb since, well, last series, actually. For the secret QI maniac such as I,  it’s refreshing to finally see some new programming and obtain fresh fodder for idle chats down the pub, train station or wherever one feels the need to spout pointless yet irritatingly intriguing facts. You just hope your mates didn’t see the same episode, else you might have to resort to the ‘no cheese in cheese slices’ backup plan once again (stupid ‘Britain’s Most Disgusting Foods‘).

We’re now up to the seventh series, which can only mean one thing: a whole season of letter G-themed fact-based nuggets to tickle our geeky fancy. In the coming weeks we shall be treated to a veritable Pandora’s Box of interesting stuff to do with geometry, gadgets, gravity and the colour green amongst others. Last night, though, was the turn of both gardeners and grocers to take their place on the alphabetical merry go round that is QI.

Warning: Spoilers from this point onwards.

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International footballers Thierry Henry and Paul Scharner have joined forces to create the country’s first FA Premier League handball team.

Former Arsenal striker Henry has been in exile in London ever since being rejected by the nation of France for the ‘Hand of Frog‘ incident, and has had literally nothing to do for the past week but eat jellied eels and have good old Cockney knees-ups “dahn at the Ol’ Dog’n’ Duck”.

During one of Thierry’s long afternoon stints propping up the bar, Wigan midfielder Paul Scharner just so happened to be in the area on a ‘club scouting excursion’ and popped in for a quick Ribena and chocolate Battenberg. The two got to talking about how much better football would be if the handball rule was outlawed, and hit upon the idea of creating a team that would compete in a sport where such ‘offences’ are actually encouraged.

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