Nov 02 2009
Bonfire Night is stupid, almost as sucky as Halloween
I think we’re about due for another dose of opinion very thinly masquerading as fact, namely the latest entry in Retro Yakking’s tongue-in-cheek ‘…is stupid’ series.
To reiterate, these posts take a website, item or (in this case) celebration and pick it apart, whilst conveniently ignoring the many good points of said thing. Confused? Go to the Encyclopedia of Stupid for more of the same. Still don’t get the idea? No? Never mind.
So apparently 5th November is also called Guy Fawkes Night, at least according to Wikipedia, but I’ve always known it as Bonfire Night, or ‘Bommy Neet’. For those who haven’t heard of this ‘celebration’, it’s a massive excuse to stick fireworks up peoples’ bottoms and just generally blow stuff up. Brilliant, eh? Think of it as Thanksgiving without the turkey and in-laws.
But it isn’t all fun and games. Some, mainly firemen, might argue that it’s the worst night of the year, and I tend to share this view. Not because I’m an old cynic who would put Ebeneezer Scrooge to shame, rather I find it a tired old traditional piece of poopy that belongs in the seventeenth century.
For a start, the whole ‘festival’ commemorates the death of Guy Fawkes, some bloke who tried to blow up the old crones at the Houses of Parliament. Sounds like a brilliant idea to me. Unfortunately Fawkes’ plan was foiled, and he was sentenced to be hanged - an event which was by all accounts particularly gruesome, but tell me when choking to death isn’t?
What kind of civilised society celebrates the death of anyone, let alone a crazed madman? Well, apparently we do every 5th November, when we burn effigies of Fawkes in memory of the poor guy. Heh, guy.
It’s not just the reasons for the celebrations that are somewhat disturbing, however. People eat really horrible food that’s meant to be a treat, when actually you’d rather lick a hairy man’s back. Toffee apples, treacle toffee and parkin really are awful - maybe we should have punished Fawkes to death by Bonfire Night food instead.
Worst of all, the whole day is completely overshadowed by a second rate and frankly boring festival that takes place just under a week before, namely Halloween. As a result, Bonfire Night isn’t the wonderful spectacle it could be because people have spent all their money buying silly costumes and eggs to throw at neighbours’ windows in the name of the dead.
I will not blame Bonfire Night’s pantsness on Halloween, however, because it stands alone as an outdated and unnecessary celebration. Can we not just save our money for Christmas presents and leave the fireworks until New Year’s Day? Do it, or else I’ll set my dog upon you… well, I would have done if it wasn’t such a gibbering wreck after all those fireworks went off over our back garden.
