Retro Yakking

Tragic news today as it has emerged that fire safety mascot Welephant passed away in the early hours of this morning. Doctors fought for fifteen hours to save the beloved pachyderm, but could not wake him from his drug-induced coma.

At 11.30AM yesterday, Welephant complained of a sore stomach and went for a lie down. Firemen found him immobile half an hour later and immediately called an ambulance. Specialists confirmed the mascot was suffering from the severe side effects of an overdose of elephant sedative he had been taking to help him sleep during loud firework displays.

I don’t get it. I read on the Internet that RSPCA advice was to supply animals with sedatives, so when I saw old Welly really struggling to get to sleep I rushed out to London Zoo and picked up a supply of Xylazine they just so happened to have lying about the place. He seemed fine until the next day, when he started to look drowsy and distant. He looked OK whilst drinking his mug of mud, but started to deteriorate from then on. — Robert Freegun, Welephant’s carer

Welephant was on a routine visit to a school in Huyton, assisting local police officers in a Bonfire Night safety demonstration when he started to feel ‘queasy’. He was fed some peanuts to keep his spirits up, but had to go for a lie down in the staff room, where teachers fanned him with last week’s exam papers.

Disaster struck when the teachers went for lunch, however, as some time between 11:35 and 11:46, Welephant loss consciousness. He was rushed to the Animal Hospital, where Rolf Harris poked him in the stomach a few times and poured water over his head, but it was no use - Smelly Pants was doomed.

Good riddance. He stole my peanuts! — Some kid

Welephant was 54 in elephant years, 125 in human terms and 13,000,000 in ant years. He will be succeeded by his 31 sons, also known as Welephant, who will continue his legacy — and be kicked in the shins by little runts — for many years to come.

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