Nov 09 2009
“Tesco” Valuev’s diet under the microscope: Were budget products his downfall?
Following his defeat on points to David Haye in Saturday’s WBA Heavyweight Championship bout, it has been revealed Nikolai Valuev’s pre-match snacking may have severely hampered his performance on the night.
In the lead up to the fight, much emphasis was placed upon the giant mega-heavyweight’s meat-rich diet, a significant contributory factor in him becoming the world’s largest champion, or so the media theorised.
But new evidence suggests Valuev hasn’t seen a penny of his earnings for more than a year and has had to survive on Tesco Value budget food products.
Why would a boxer need money? Without a promoter like me, he’d still be slugging it out on the streets with hobos and wild dogs. Why shouldn’t I take one hundred percent of his earnings? The cash would only be an unwelcome distraction. — Valuev’s promoter Don ‘Bling Bling’ King, speaking from his solid gold mansion
The story was uncovered by interfering journalists from the Daily Mail, which sent a bunch of reporters over to Nuremberg to research possible Nazi links to the sport of boxing. Instead, the so-called journos stumbled upon something much more significant: a large pile of Tesco Value steak and kidney pie wrappers in Valuev’s changing room.
Estimates suggest a man the size of the former champion requires an average 13,000 calories per day to prevent him malfunctioning. A Tesco meat pie contains 350kcals, which effectively means Valuev would have to munch his way through thirty seven pies a day, leaving hardly any time to sleep or take a bath, let alone train for a boxing match.
Factor in the low nutrition percentage of the Tesco pie and you have to eat for approximately seventeen hours per day. The Russian would have to snack whilst brushing his teeth (meat flavoured toothpaste is apparently a must), beating the carpet and even during meals to avoid breaking down at any given point in the day.
This is a big nonsense. I don’t even like steak and kidney, I much like to prefer cow pie if I’m totally honest with you. — Nikolai Valuev, speaking via a (Yahoo Babelfish) translator
Valuev is considering a name change to Bestbuykov and a switch to Morrisons budget food.
HAHAHA! It was one of the most boring heavyweight fights I’ve had the privilege of watching
The stodge held him back! God knows what stuff’s in those Tesco pies.