Retro Yakking

Contrary to what Derren Brown may tell you, it just isn’t humanly possible to predict the National Lottery numbers.

Notice I did say ‘National Lottery’ and not ‘Lotto’ there because the latter sounds puny and I have never actually heard anybody outside the advertisements refer to it as such. Anyhow…

You might think that’s the end of it and there’s no point reading on, but hold on a minute! There are other ways to get your grubby mitts on the big prize, and none of them involve numerology or sociological ‘experiments’ that pass as scientific fact.

So, follow these simple steps and you too could become a millionaire like those gloating idiots on the front page of yesterday’s Metro!

We’d best start with the classic conspiracy: Rig the machines. You don’t have to work for Camelot, but it really does help: you’re going to need some blank balls and a black marker and take it from there. This method is, however, bloomin’ difficult, so alternatively…

Get a witch to put a spell on the machine. Just tell them your numbers, have them work their magical powers upon the device and offer half the prize money as payment for a successful transaction. This is also the perfect way to ensure a good quality practitioner of the dark arts - no win, no fee, you see.

Since witches dabble in dark magic, they don’t have to conform to the regulations of the Magicians’ Circle: in fact, they operate in total opposition to said second-rate, pansy organisation. As a result, they will readily bend the rules to rake in the readies! Best of all, it doesn’t involve selling your soul, brain or even water bed. Easy six million quid.

Forge your ticket. Those lottery machines at Tesco can easily be hacked with a very strong magnet, screwdriver and iPod (consult your local hacking establishment for further information). After that, it’s just a matter of shooting the Camelot guards and holding the cash controller at gunpoint. Actually, forget the ticket forging, just do the latter.

Don’t forget to wear clean underwear, though, especially if you aren’t used to operating a handgun.

Time travel. This is relatively simple if you have a bit of money to invest up front. Book a plane ticket to the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland armed with last Saturday’s lottery numbers, then bribe the night guards (100 Euros should suffice, but take a few buttons just in case it isn’t enough) to fire up the machine when all the scientist dudes have gone home. For a brief moment, a black hole will appear, allowing you to travel back to the same time last week and put the lottery numbers on.

Just remember not to spend the cash until you actually have it in your possession, or you’ll end up in more debt than Michael Jackson.

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