Retro Yakking

As a renowned scrounger who’s actually won awards for his utter cheapskateness (yep, you’re in fact reading the blog of Harry Yack SkN Flnt TYT RS), I feel fully qualified to share with you the best one hundred things you can do with The Daily Mail once you’ve finished ‘reading’ the ‘informative’ ‘content’ (read: sensationalist moaning old codger literature).

Not that I would ever consider reading such a ‘publication’ without the slightest grain of salt, else I’d most likely be reduced to putting inverted commas around each word of my posts… as I did in the previous sentence. Oh, whoops.

I did intend to introduce this new series — which will probably stumble after the second or third instalment — in a rather grandiose manner, but decided instead to dive into the meat of the content as I’m aware a lot of Retro Yakking’s readers are eager for me to cut the silly small talk that generally precedes this kind of post.

Yeah, let’s get straight to the point with the first ten of Retro Yakking’s 101 best uses for newspaper, ranked by absolutely no parameter.

1. Let’s get this out of the way first to save a bundle of emails and avoid unnecessary suspense: Create delightful headwear. Who needs a specialist hat outlet when you have a Daily Mirror and a sense of imagination? Possibilities range from your regular party hat to bowlers and tiaras and native American Indian headgear. You might need to find a pigeon feather for the latter, so get on down to Clayton Square, Liverpool for that finishing touch to your Village People costume.
2. Stick it to your bedroom ceiling so when you’re finding it hard to sleep you have something to spit at in disgust. You can also try and do the Sudoku puzzle without the aid of a pen or bore yourself to sleep with the Daily Star crossword.
3. Make a wonderful and practical coat for your pet dog, cat or even hamster! Warning: it will tend to disintegrate in anything other than fair weather, so always carry a good supply of spares whilst on a walk.
4. Fashion some cheap and cheerful wallpaper to give your home that much sought-after ‘Have I Got News For You‘ studio look.
5. Roll it up and hit your newsagent over the head to knock him out. Then you can help yourself to the variety of tasty treats and other mint stuff in his shop for free, at least until he gets up again or discovers how to work the CCTV camera VHS tapes.
6. Construct some makeshift dreadlocks by cutting the paper into strips then attaching them to your head with the help of some handy paper clips. Now you don’t have to grow them yourself or pay some extortionist to style your hair for you.
7. Create a quantum ray gun so you can see if life in alternate universes exists. Instructions can be found on the back of your cornflakes packet or Teletext page 548 (but hurry before the big analogue switchoff). Warning: may cause death, at least in this universe.
8. Save money on cigarettes by smoking rolled up bits of newspaper. One copy of the Sunday Times can potentially last you weeks if you pace yourself, but beware of the dangers of ink poisoning (refer to the paper’s health section for more information).
9. Make a life-size replica of yourself out of newspaper, then scare people coming out of the Post Office with it. When you’re bored with the thing, you can always practise your martial arts moves on it for a bit if you feel so inclined.
10. Build a scale model paper replica of the Eiffel Tower and charge people to see it in your back garden. You can also climb to the top and shoot pigeons or passing microlights. Wait, I’m sure I already did that before with AOL CDs or something… man, was that an eventful weekend.

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Look out for part two some time between now and 2034.

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