Nov 29 2009
A Sunday Special guest post from Jeremy Clarkson
“Power.“
Those of you that are familiar with my work will know that I’m not one to waste my time with unnecessary lengthy introductions, so I’ll get straight to the point: something the regular author of this ‘website’ will do well to note for future reference.
When I, Jeremy Clarkson, was asked to do a special column for a ’small time Internet weblog’, I was initially reluctant. After all, what does this Hairy Yack person know about cars, or even anything? I bet he’s one of those poncy hybrid drivers with bits of glitter and vegetable skin in his hair, or some chavvy Honda Civic owner from Cheetham Hill. I have my reputation to uphold, and should I be spotted writing for the gutter ‘press’ they’ll never let me back into Yorkshire ever again.
However, I’ve already offended precisely 234,092 people — I know it’s that many because I keep a personal record on my advanced calculator thingy — so I figured it would not hurt to increase that figure, even if only by a little bit. Any publicity is good publicity, as they say.
So here I am with control over a full article at the relatively unglamorous Retro Yakking, left to my own devices to write about whatever I want without fear of reprimand. Or at least, that’s what I was told.
The only element of this post that isn’t under my control is the image selection, which will no doubt feature myself in my younger, more hirsute days. Oh dear, there I go again putting ideas into peoples’ heads.
Anyway, I would like to take the opportunity to say that I am not the grumpy old racist, sexist gibbon the editors at that wretched Sunday evening car show make me out to be. In real life, I’m actually a pretty nice guy, and will readily buy you some beer down the pub or chocolate from Tescos. Dark chocolate, mind - the milky stuff does the environment no good at all and simply increases flatulence. It’s true, The Stig told me.
The Stig knows over ten million facts, and, unlike the Internet, each and every one of them is 100% correct. He’s also a pathological liar and con artist, but I think we can trust him because he once won the World Rally Championship. Yep, Old Stiggy’s the 2008 Hertfordshire Regional Rally Rem-Con Champion, and he has the kiddies’ teeth marks to prove it.
The primary reason I am here, however, is to promote my forthcoming DVD entitled ‘Duel’. It features naked mud wrestling, copious amounts of violence and objectionable material and a couple of caravans getting blown up as well as my usual wonderfully scripted banter. Go and buy it, or the yak gets it.
[ Can I go now? I have an appointment with my dentist to have my teeth bleached. Cheers. ]
And on that bombshell, it’s goodnight from me and a soon-to-be chargrilled bovine featured blogger.
- Top Gear Season 14 Episode 3 airs tonight on BBC2 at 9PM.
