Retro Yakking

A working group from the Academy of Medical Sciences will meet to discuss the possibility of creating half-human mutants such as gorilla men.

It is public knowledge that numerous mice have already been created with, amongst other things, human DNA.

Now, human knowledge has expanded to such an extent that creatures such as fishmen and dogmen could well be possible in the next ten years.

It’s indeed very exciting. Using computer simulations, we’ve already constructed a half-man, half-cat to steal milk from benefit thieves’ doorsteps and a particularly gruesome half-man, half monster hybrid which we’ve named Wayne Rooney. Early results have been very successful - Wayne’s mate recently gave birth. — AMS spokesman Robert Freegun

Some may argue such ‘mutant’ creations have already been around for many years. The big cats that roam the plains of urban England are definitely ‘panthermen’, at least according to some drunk bloke I just met on the street. And if you were off your head on Special Brew, you would also be able to see pink human-elephant hybrids.

(more…)

Tragic news today as it has emerged that fire safety mascot Welephant passed away in the early hours of this morning. Doctors fought for fifteen hours to save the beloved pachyderm, but could not wake him from his drug-induced coma.

At 11.30AM yesterday, Welephant complained of a sore stomach and went for a lie down. Firemen found him immobile half an hour later and immediately called an ambulance. Specialists confirmed the mascot was suffering from the severe side effects of an overdose of elephant sedative he had been taking to help him sleep during loud firework displays.

I don’t get it. I read on the Internet that RSPCA advice was to supply animals with sedatives, so when I saw old Welly really struggling to get to sleep I rushed out to London Zoo and picked up a supply of Xylazine they just so happened to have lying about the place. He seemed fine until the next day, when he started to look drowsy and distant. He looked OK whilst drinking his mug of mud, but started to deteriorate from then on. — Robert Freegun, Welephant’s carer

(more…)

It’s a given fact that pets hate Bonfire Night. Not only are they subjected to an often relentless string of loud noises, but they are also forced to eat the leftover parkin and treacle toffee, something no animal ought to endure.

Of course, there are steps one can take to keep pets safe and protected during events such as Bonfire Night. However, there are numerous misconceptions about what is best for each animal, which is why Retro Yakking has provided this handy cut out and keep (or at least bookmark) guide to the dos and don’ts for pet owners on Bommy Night.

Do: Take your dog for a walk before fireworks start to be let off so they are physically and mentally tired out, making them more likely to lie down and ignore the loud bangs and sparks going off outside.

Don’t: Allow your dog to set off fireworks. It can be a danger to children and even result in the dog getting an ASBO or curfew imposed upon them by the local police.

(more…)

Were you quaking in your boots at the thought of this summer’s killer squirrels? Well, they’re nothing compared to what’s coming this autumn: deadly spiders.

These aren’t your regular, run of the mill house spiders, though, these are genetically mutated monster spiders the likes of which haven’t ever been seen on these shores. The result of interbreeding between regular spiders and Bulgarian jungle spiders — the latter of which can grow up to a metre long — has spawned a breed of megabeasts that will swallow your cat whole in an instant.

What’s more, their superglue-laden webs could easily trap a human should they be foolish enough to walk into one. Tarantulas have nothing on these guys, who’ll think nothing of consuming your television, DVD player and even XBOX 360 - and man, are those things huge.

(more…)

Members of the public have been urged to lock their windows and doors to barricade themselves from an upsurge in killer rodents.

Just last month, it was reported that numerous innocent members of the public had been attacked by malicious and particularly foul-smelling chipmunks looking for their next meal.

Thankfully, though, all victims of that wave of rodent attacks survived, even if the same cannot be said of the squirrels (they died of natural causes*). This time, we may not be so lucky: unless their destructive nature is curbed, naturalists are predicting a disaster the likes of which have not been seen since… well, the swine flu pandemic earlier this year.

(more…)