Retro Yakking

Photo by Shinjiman.

Okay. Somebody should have told me that Woolworths were closing down before I sent this email…

From:  Harry Yack (harryyack@hotmail.co.uk)
Sent:  19 December 2008 13:04:33
To: customer.relations@woolworths.co.uk

Good day Sir/Madam, I hope you are well.

I am fine, but one thing irks me somewhat and I can’t quite place my finger on it. This morning I made my weekly trip to the local Woolworths store to purchase my groceries and other various items which I cannot remember right now because I lost my shopping list somewhere down the back of the fridge. This is, however, irrelevant so I will return swiftly to the point.

Everything seemed to be fine until I got to the checkout, where there was absolutely nobody on any till whatsoever. “Strange,” I thought to myself, but continued to look for an available cashier. After searching for five minutes I eventually found an attendant in the far corner of the shop. Unfortunately, though, he would only respond to my queries with “got any spare change?”

Somewhat unperturbed, I proceeded to make my way home. Upon returning to my kitchen, however, it is fair to say that I was quite surprised by the contents of my shopping bags; instead of my usual bread and milk I had in fact picked up a broomhead and a half-empty bottle of Value lager. This made it all the more curious that the aforementioned attendant was so adamant I not have them that he hurled unintelligible profanities and bits of Pot Noodle at me. At the time, I really did think nothing of it as, being honest, it was an improvement on the service I had just received at Marks and Spencer anyway.

Come to think of it, my local Woolies is usually a lot busier than this around Christmas time. In comparison, the shop seemed relatively unpopulated, which rather took me by surprise.

I would very much appreciate it if you could perhaps shed some light on these rather bizarre incidents. I wonder if they in any way connected?

Yours sincerely,
Mr Harry Yack,
Lancashire

I await no reply, as I’ll bet all the enquiry desks are completely jammed, if not unmanned over the Christmas period. Never mind…

Image from Reidsrow News Agency

Manchester, The North

Festive killjoys rejoiced today after a series of drive-by shootings on local Santas left locals disgruntled. The decorations, located around the city of Manchester, were deflated as residents awoke this morning to discover their Santas, snowmen and reindeer had been ‘popped’.

Evidence of the vandals’ sorry spree lay strewn across roads, footpaths and front gardens as locals were left feeling ‘deflated’.

“This is a disgrace. I’ll have to spend a whole five minutes searching for plasters to repair my snowman. He’s going to end up looking like Ricky Hatton after five rounds!” — Alf Hart, Moss Side

Meanwhile, residents have taken to guarding their inflatables in an attempt to curb future repeats of the event. One local even went to the extent of arming their Santa with super soakers and an old sieve as a protective helmet.

In the wake of the event, a spokesperson for the Manchester Association against Inflatable Christmas Decorations (MAICD) spoke of his delight:

“This is a victory for everyone who hates cheap and tacky decorative items. People ought to have learned by now that these abominations aren’t welcome in this neighbourhood. [Sneer]” — B. Humbugg

Police are currently searching for “anyone with an anti-inflatable attitude” or “access to a pea-shooter” and urge anybody with any information to “keep it to themselves because we can’t be bothered dealing with such stupid cases when we’d rather be scoffing eggnog flavoured pies.”

 Wot no Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles this Christmas?

We all know about the New Wallace and Gromit, Royle Family and Blackadder Christmas “Comeback specials” being broadcast during this, the 2008th festive period. But what about the wonderful programming pushed to the very edges of the scheduling that you could very well miss? Fire up your Sky Plus boxes and put away your complaining hats…

• Fonejacker Christmas Special (E4, 20th December, 10.35 & Channel 4, Boxing Day, 23.40). Kayvan Novak, the legend in his own lunchtime, returns for some Chrimbo-themed crank calling. Did you know that he went through literally thousands of phone calls to generate material for his newest series? There’s also rumours of a movie afoot, so I can only imagine how many calls he’d have to make for that…
• The Peter Serafinowicz Show (BBC2, 23rd December, 22.55). Something of a quiet classic of 2008, the Peter Serafinowicz show featured spoof commercials, sketches and general silliness from (almost) everyone’s favourite voice-over artist. Watch out for the “World’s Smallest Laptop” and the “iToilet” as well as bunch of other stuff probably recorded in the summer!
• Charlie Brooker’s Review of the Year (BBC4, Christmas Eve, 22.00, 00.35) Not for kids. Well, you either love him or loathe him but you can’t deny he isn’t afraid of speaking his mind - think a really angry version of me with an over-inflated self-esteem. Expect some strongly worded criticism not at all similar to the kind you find in the Sunday Times.
• Nigel Marvin’s Penguin Adventures (Five, Christmas Day, 10.30). After unwrapping the presents and before setting to work on the Christmas Dinner, why not settle down to this documentary about that seminal family favourite, the penguin. Come on… you can’t deny that they are cute. If you miss that, you can always catch it again in Fiver’s Nigel Marvin afternoon (Boxing Day, 12.20-18.00) along with a bunch of polar bears covering their noses.
• Olive, The Other Reindeer (Channel 4, Christmas Day, 7.30 & E4, 11.50). Almost ten years old now, but still a wonderful little Christmas ditty not only for kids, but adults too, surprisingly: produced by Simpsons creator Matt Groening. An Annie Award winner too, whatever that is.

And one Christmas turkey for you all to avoid: Domino Day 2008 (Channel 5, Boxing Day, 12.20). If you really are domino enthusiast, though, check the passionate commentary from The Gadget Show’s Jason Bradbury!

Have a very Merry Yakking Christmas.

When you’re as miserable as me, you find all sorts of weird things to complain about. This annoyance factor tends to increase around this time of year - maybe it just goes with the season.

1. Getting price stickers off stuff, a necessary exercise when wrapping presents if you don’t want to come across as a skinflint who bought cheapo presents in the sales/charity shop. Especially relevant for older Cds and DVDs that the stickers have been stuck on so long they’re practically superglued to the package.  In the end, I usually settle for “half-ripped, half scribbled out”; by that point, you’re past caring what the thing looks like as long as the price tag is unreadable. “Just tell them some evil bloke in the shop did it,” you tell yourself.
2. A Harry Potter film. Why the blazes are they on every Christmas? Great if you like them, but it’s just overkill because they’re now broadcast every other weekend on Sky Movies. I should really ask for DVDs so I can watch them instead whilst everyone else becomes enthralled by some film they just saw a month ago.
3. Obligatory Christmas Specials. Granted, some Chrimbo shows are brilliant, but the majority of them are just utter tripe attempting to cash in on the “season of goodwill”. Ant and Dec ought to leave it to the experts and just show repeats of The Two Ronnies instead. If you are the type of person that loves this trashy commercialised seasonal nonsense, check out Dave in the middle of August for a Special involving Jeremy Clarkson, no doubt.
4. Public transport. I want to get to the Boxing Day football match, but no buses are running. So, I have to walk ten miles in the cold and wet with the family, who just so happened to be coming along “because it’ll be a fun family day out”. No, Mum, he has to get the ball in the other net. No, Mum, they don’t sell vegetarian pies here. No, Mum, there are no instant replays in real life. And so on.
5. That Coke advert. My goodness, you know when Commercial Conformity Period has taken its iron grip for the year when Santa appears with his bottle of Coca Cola. It’s so Americanised and cheesy, and why can’t it even mention Christmas? “Holidays are coming?” Does that mean summer is just round the corner and we can build sandcastles? Oh good-o! But no, instead we get false promises (what are the chances of it snowing at all this Christmas?) and capitalist ethics… whoop de doo.
6. Writing Christmas cards. Why do you have to receive cards from the people you live in the same house as? Surely a simple “Merry Christmas” will do, but nope, you have to pretend you are grateful as you read the printed message of a ten-year old without the aid of a rhyming dictionary. To make things worse, your mother ends up writing cards to you, your goldfish, your dog, the green mould growing under your sink…
7. Mum’s cooking. Each year I fool myself into thinking I like parsnips. “This time it’ll be different, I’ll soak them in gravy and wash ‘em down with half a pint of water, then quickly stuff my mouth full of mashed potato.” And each Boxing Day I think to myself: “I’m never, ever doing that again.” I do, just because it’s Christmas and I don’t want to come across as an ungrateful swine - I do that enough on this blog to last a lifetime of Christmases.
8. Nowhere’s open! Sigh. For about a week all the shops close down for the season, meaning I have to stock up on essentials well in advance. Wouldn’t be much of a problem if I wasn’t so poor and lazy, I suppose, but don’t you think there are at least some pensioners going hungry on Christmas Day? You don’t want our OAP population starving do you now, Tesco? Yes?! Oh well, time to drive to a pokey corner shop in Bolton just for a pint of milk…

Maybe I should cheer up, after all, ’tis the season to be jolly. Naaaaaah, time to go back to throwing mince pies at rich people! Despite all this, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, Santa.