Retro Yakking

“You should have got me a Nintendo Wii, you muppet!”

• … a sore stomach after swallowing a Christmas cracker. Well, they did place it next to the cheese and biscuits. The cheddar was exquisite, the plastic toy less so.
• … a sore head from the burning sun. I’nt global warming brilliant?
• … a five-page Christmas card with gold trimmings and a crisp, new £50 note from a very wealthy relative
• … an inferiority complex
• … odd socks. Handy for replenishing those single socks eaten by the dog.
• … more hand-me-downs from 25-stone Uncle Charlie. We used his XXXXL jumper as a tablecloth and his old hat as a basketball hoop.

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Watching The Dark Knight on Christmas Day, I was reminded of that Christmas carol as old as the hills: Jingle bells, Batman smells.

I mean, why doesn’t it ever appear in Batman films? I reckon it could have been a smash hit in the singles chart as well, you know, with internet downloads and all.

Actually, while we’re on the subject, I never once heard the Batman theme play. And what ever happened to the Batcave, which has transformed into a very tall building in The Dark Knight? Was Battie on holiday, or has his former abode been blown up by the Joker?

Additionally, I dunno why Bat’s Butler is now Michael Caine. I keep expecting him to pull out a gun or to shout stereotypically Cockney phrases at passing motorists.

But enough with the impromptu film review, because this is about those stupid alternative versions of Christmas carols you used to sing at school Christmas Mass. Incidentally, I used to quite like them for the sole reason of missing French or Maths lessons, if only for one afternoon: then you knew Christmas was coming.

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Harry Yack and the team at Retro Yakking (all one of us) wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

If you are living in North America, then I also wish you a happy holidays: I hear it’s the politically correct thing to do in the United States due to the vast multiculturism on which the country so prides itself. Evidently, Britain isn’t really that bothered about faiths other than Christianity cos, you know, traditionalism rules and all that. God Save the Queen!

Anyway, Christmas isn’t just for Christians: it’s so much more than simply going to Church or eating bread and drinking wine. It’s about putting aside all differences for one day of the year and saying ‘aw, to heck with it!’ Well, according to Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo anyway… nah, never believed in him either.

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He’s making that list and checkin’ it twice, and on Boxing Day he’ll reduce Tesco’s Christmas tree price (wonderful tip there for cheapskates such as myself).

As I type, he’ll be readying his Snowmaster 3000 sleigh and carrots coated in brandy for old Rudolph before taking a quick nap in preparation for his biiiiig day.

It’s a widespread misconception that Santa works for one day a year then spends the other 364 days getting fat in front of the X Factor. In actual fact, he’s more of a fan of Harry Hill, and likes nothing more than 18-hour marathons of TV Burp.

He even makes his own versions of the show on his 1984 Ferguson VHS recorder — which miraculously is still working — in which he hosts his own fantasy television lineup and provides narration laden with Christmas cracker jokes. Watch out for those on YouTube at some point in the future, the director’s cut of course - Santa has been known to utter the odd expletive. When he’s nice, he’s very nice, but you wouldn’t like him when he’s naughty.

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Following a spate of seasonably wintry conditions sweeping across the United Kingdom, this year’s festive celebrations have been put on hold for exactly 365 days.

The British Holidays Association took the unprecedented decision to postpone Christmas yesterday afternoon after lengthy discussions with representatives from the Met Office, the British Government and Tesco’s head of public relations Robert Freegun.

The snow-hit streets remain eerily empty for this time of year.

The committee reached a compromise after literally minutes of discussion about the adverse weather conditions, concluding it would not be commercially viable to hold Christmas Day on December 25th this year.

Historically, the quietest shopping day of the year is Christmas Day. We feel we are missing out on a whole 24 hours of sales by completely shutting down our stores and do not think it fair that consumers are deprived of their right to go out and get a Westlife CD, bottle of milk or dodgy magazine just because it’s Christmas. — Bob Freegun, spokesperson for Tesco

The news will be a relief to local councils, who have struggled to cope with the unexpectedly large amounts of snow falling in urban areas. National salt supplies ordinarily used to grit busy roads ran out late on Sunday evening after Jamie Oliver held his family Christmas dinner a week early. (more…)