Retro Yakking

The Yak’s dumb emails are back! This one’s pretty self-explanatory, I should think.

From: davejones@tesco.co.uk
Date: 27th October 2009
To: Mr. Harry Yack
Subject: Re: Tesco Value fish fingers

Dear Mr. Yack,

We write in response to your various claims regarding Tesco Value fish fingers. Our chefs would like to assure you that this product is made from 100% fish, not floor sweepings or shoe rubber and certainly not radioactive tramps as you asserted in your post dated 22nd April 2009.

Any ingredient you may find in our product other than cod, breadcrumbs or reconstituted glucose syrup is most likely due to a discrepancy in the quality control process. In future, we would prefer it if you could inform our public relations officer rather than simply writing about it on your internet world wide web site for all to see.

We would be more than happy to replace your product or provide you with store credit should you do so, providing you do not tell everyone about it.

Thanks,
Dave, Tesco.co.uk

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Dear Kellogg’s (Mr/Mrs. Kellogg?),

I recently purchased one of your Rice Krispy Squares from my local Tesco. Upon unwrapping the product that evening, I discovered that it was not a shape that typifies the Rice Krispy Square. Now, I can accept the fact that this product is in fact not square — more an oblong shape — and am willing to overlook this blatant piece of false advertising on this occasion.

The problem I had with my Rice Krispy Square was that it took a strange L-shaped form. I understand that you may have decided to make your product slightly smaller due to the effects of the credit crunch, but why this unorthodox new shape all of a sudden?

Surely a renaming of the product to “Rice Krispy Ls” would be in order? Please let me know as soon as you can, and I will accept payment for the use of my new copyrighted name by cheque, postal order or Kellogg’s Frosties. Failing that, Corn Flakes with a pint of milk and a bag of sugar will suffice.

Yours hungrily,
Harry Yack, Lancashire

PS. I have enclosed photographs of the offending product for your delectation/disgust.

It is evident from the above photographs that this Rice Krispy Square is clearly L-shaped.

Image from PDStampInfo

It was to my disgust that I discovered the recipe for regular postage stamps had been changed recently. Miffed, I made a point of bringing this to the attention of the Post Office, who were the recipients of the following email.

To: Post Office General Enquiries
From: Harry Yack
Sent: 11.30 26th December 2008

Dear Post Office,

I do think that, in general, your work is top excellent, top-notch and not in the least tardy. There is, however, decision you have made that I disagree with.

You see, ever since you changed the adhesive used on stamps, I have found they taste absolutely disgusting. Now, I could understand if you are now making stamps with brussels sprout adhesive rather than a more tomatoey one due to the demands of the credit crunch. However, on nine times out of ten, after the required licking the sticking does not occur; that is to say my stamps always fall off my envelopes on the way to the post office.

I would imagine I’m not the only person having this problem and would appreciate it muchly if you could look into it for me.

Thank you,
Harry Yack,
Lancashire

I have since received no reply, presumably because the Post Office dislike people taking the mickey out of them in such a childish manner. Or maybe the word about Harry Yack’s real identity is out? Who knows. But wouldn’t it be brilliant if they brought out chicken, cheese or even chocolate-flavoured stamps? First class could be gourmet meals, whilst second class could be chips and burgers and stuff.

Hmm, I may be onto something here.

Edited image sourced from Apcmag.com

Well, it seems that since I started complaining, the offers of free money are coming in thick and fast. No, really!

PLEASE REPLY IMMEDIATELY‏
From: Mr. X
FROM THE DESK OF MR X
AUDIT/REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK (ADB)
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO
SIR/MADAM,

I KNOW THAT THIS EMAIL WILL BE A BIG SURPRISE TO YOU, BUT I WANT YOU TO CALM DOWN AND READ VERY CAREFULLY.

I HAVE A BUSINESS WHICH WILL BE BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US. THE AMOUNT OF MONEY INVOLVED IS U.S $7.215 (seven million Two hundred and fifteen thousand United States dollars) WHICH I WANT TO TRANSFER OUT OF THE COUNTRY TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, ALL TO MY FINANCIAL BENEFIT AND YOURS TOO. AND ALSO TO TAKE MY WIFE ABROAD FOR TREATMENT OF LIVER DAMAGE.
…
WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE SO THAT I CAN MOVE AHEAD AND GIVE YOU THE INDEPT DETAILS CONCERNING THIS TRANSACTION AND ALSO THE STEPS TO TAKE FOR A SMOOTH TRANSFER OF THE FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
BEST REGARDS,
MR. X

PLEASE REPLY ME HERE; [address removed]

Oh boy! I would love to receive $7.20. How can I not take up this wonderful offer? Naturally, I replied immediately.

From: Harry Yack
Sent: 27 December 2008 18:09:09
To: [removed]

OK, here’s what I would like you to do.

First of all, draw all the money out of the bank and use it to buy a plane to Manchester, England. At the airport, look for a man in a shirt saying “I love Nigerian scams!” and give him the cash. Doesn’t matter if it’s in dollars, that can be dealt with (I have contacts). Then, the man will give you fifty percent of the money for you to treat your wife for the liver damage. Then, with the remaining cash, you will be able to fly back home and everyone’s will be happy. Brill, eh?

By the way, my address is:

111 Gullible Avenue,
Dumbsville,
Thickton,
TH1 CK0

Good luck, and Godspeed,
Harry Yack

PS. Please do not pass my email address on to any spam mailers. Cheers.

Unfortunately, however, I forgot that I wasn’t actually in Manchester that day - I had to sort my socks into pairs and stack my collection of pennies into neat little piles. Oooh what an afternoon that was!

Still, if I hear anything back from our friend in Ouagadougou I’ll let you know. Maybe the seven dollars twenty cents is still available to be claimed? Dunno, but right now I have more pressing issues, like keeping Mr. X’s legal team (three tramps and a goat) at bay.

Oh, almost forgot - a Happy New Year to each and every one of you, even the ones that stop by for thirty seconds or so. The Yak values you all more than Tesco Value lemonade.

Photo by Shinjiman.

Okay. Somebody should have told me that Woolworths were closing down before I sent this email…

From:  Harry Yack (harryyack@hotmail.co.uk)
Sent:  19 December 2008 13:04:33
To: customer.relations@woolworths.co.uk

Good day Sir/Madam, I hope you are well.

I am fine, but one thing irks me somewhat and I can’t quite place my finger on it. This morning I made my weekly trip to the local Woolworths store to purchase my groceries and other various items which I cannot remember right now because I lost my shopping list somewhere down the back of the fridge. This is, however, irrelevant so I will return swiftly to the point.

Everything seemed to be fine until I got to the checkout, where there was absolutely nobody on any till whatsoever. “Strange,” I thought to myself, but continued to look for an available cashier. After searching for five minutes I eventually found an attendant in the far corner of the shop. Unfortunately, though, he would only respond to my queries with “got any spare change?”

Somewhat unperturbed, I proceeded to make my way home. Upon returning to my kitchen, however, it is fair to say that I was quite surprised by the contents of my shopping bags; instead of my usual bread and milk I had in fact picked up a broomhead and a half-empty bottle of Value lager. This made it all the more curious that the aforementioned attendant was so adamant I not have them that he hurled unintelligible profanities and bits of Pot Noodle at me. At the time, I really did think nothing of it as, being honest, it was an improvement on the service I had just received at Marks and Spencer anyway.

Come to think of it, my local Woolies is usually a lot busier than this around Christmas time. In comparison, the shop seemed relatively unpopulated, which rather took me by surprise.

I would very much appreciate it if you could perhaps shed some light on these rather bizarre incidents. I wonder if they in any way connected?

Yours sincerely,
Mr Harry Yack,
Lancashire

I await no reply, as I’ll bet all the enquiry desks are completely jammed, if not unmanned over the Christmas period. Never mind…