Retro Yakking

The following advertisement was Found on Craigslist yesterday morning. Is it me, or is this Credit Crunch thing becoming rather annoying?

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Posted by: Cadbury PLC, 22nd November 2009

Price: 3,000,000 chocolate buttons

Detail: This is your opportunity to own one of the galaxy’s largest confectionery empires. Wispa it quietly, but Cadbury PLC have been forced to put their 25million square foot headquarters up for sale. Hobnob with the giants of world snack foods and give your ego a much-needed boost with your very own chocolate factory nestled in the heart of London’s lucrative Picnic Sector.

1,300 employees included, so you don’t have to lift a finger! No need to fudge the issue with messy hands-on manual labour or hiring needless ‘ee bah gum’ Yorkie staff.

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An Australian Aboriginal boy of 12 will appear in court after being charged with receiving a stolen chocolate bar to the value of thirty four pence. The story is being used by the Australian mainstream media as a leading example of the systematic discrimination against Aboriginals allegedly present in the country’s society.

The vast majority of people, however, are more shocked at the fact a Freddo bar would cost that much. Just five years ago, they were being sold in British outlets for ten pence, and chocoholics are up in arms over the rising cost of not just Freddo bars, but Jammy Dodgers and Eccles cakes as well.

Well, I know exchange rates are bad these days, but I didn’t know things had become that bad. I checked out the shop the kid’s mate supposedly stole from, and a Mars bar was $4 - that’s more than 25 British pounds by my calculations. — I.M.N Egghead, leading English mathematician

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A report by nutrition experts suggests the recommended daily calorie intake of 2,000 for women and 2,500 for men may be incorrect.

The Scientific Advisory Committee on Nutrition have drafted a paper that recommends these averages be increased by up to 16%, and the previous figures, drawn up 18 years ago, were due to less accurate assessments.

SACN have received over £6.5million worth of funding from commercial grocery outlets and restaurants over the past three years, which some think may be an influential factor in the revised findings. However, such allegations have been refuted by spokesman Robert Freegun, who denies ‘any involvement with the illegal zebu meat trade’.

This, in turn, has raised suspicions over why anyone would even mention such illegal meat as much as eighteen months after it was reported McDonald’s were allegedly serving not beef, but a beef-like meat known as zebu. Alf Hart of the British Zebu Meat Connoisseurs Association has assured consumers that zebu ‘can, in many cases, be far preferable to beef, especially McDonald’s beef’.

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In the run-up to the winter period, a commercial vegetable growers group has thrown their weight behind a campaign to get Britain eating brussels sprouts again.

Sprouts were once a popular all-year round treat, but due to the rise of the ice cream carrot and chocolate parsnip, have fallen out of favour in recent times. Now, the British Vegetable Association is keen to promote the benefits of the humble sprout in order to prove it is not just a Christmas vegetable.

The flatulence-inducing capacity of the sprout ought to hold it in high esteem, especially amongst the young. However, it seems to be 8-16 year olds in particular who hate them with a passion, an age group famous for its love of bodily functions. We’re campaigning to get British people, particularly kids, sprout-crazy in the run up to the season of the flatulent, namely Christmas. — Sprouty McBrussels, mascot and Chair of the BVA (actually a bloke in a round, green suit)

The BVA plan to ‘make sprouts cool again’, primarily by bribing celebrities to pretend they like the vegetable. A new advertising campaign will see such pop stars as Robbie Williams and some bloke from the Kaiser Chiefs eating sprouts as between-meal snacks as if they were crisps, chocolate bars or lollipops.

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Following his defeat on points to David Haye in Saturday’s WBA Heavyweight Championship bout, it has been revealed Nikolai Valuev’s pre-match snacking may have severely hampered his performance on the night.

In the lead up to the fight, much emphasis was placed upon the giant mega-heavyweight’s meat-rich diet, a significant contributory factor in him becoming the world’s largest champion, or so the media theorised.

But new evidence suggests Valuev hasn’t seen a penny of his earnings for more than a year and has had to survive on Tesco Value budget food products.

Why would a boxer need money? Without a promoter like me, he’d still be slugging it out on the streets with hobos and wild dogs. Why shouldn’t I take one hundred percent of his earnings? The cash would only be an unwelcome distraction. — Valuev’s promoter Don ‘Bling Bling’ King, speaking from his solid gold mansion

The story was uncovered by interfering journalists from the Daily Mail, which sent a bunch of reporters over to Nuremberg to research possible Nazi links to the sport of boxing. Instead, the so-called journos stumbled upon something much more significant: a large pile of Tesco Value steak and kidney pie wrappers in Valuev’s changing room.

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