Retro Yakking

International footballers Thierry Henry and Paul Scharner have joined forces to create the country’s first FA Premier League handball team.

Former Arsenal striker Henry has been in exile in London ever since being rejected by the nation of France for the ‘Hand of Frog‘ incident, and has had literally nothing to do for the past week but eat jellied eels and have good old Cockney knees-ups “dahn at the Ol’ Dog’n’ Duck”.

During one of Thierry’s long afternoon stints propping up the bar, Wigan midfielder Paul Scharner just so happened to be in the area on a ‘club scouting excursion’ and popped in for a quick Ribena and chocolate Battenberg. The two got to talking about how much better football would be if the handball rule was outlawed, and hit upon the idea of creating a team that would compete in a sport where such ‘offences’ are actually encouraged.

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Following their crushing 9-1 defeat to Tottenham, the heaviest in the Premier League since Manchester United annihilated Ipswich 9-0 in 1995, Wigan have submitted an appeal to the Football Association to have the match replayed.

The appeal centres on the fact that Latics’ Austrian midfielder Paul Scharner committed a blatant handball in the build-up to his team’s goal - an offence that was completely missed by all of the officials.

Hey, if it’s good enough for Thierry Henry, it’s good enough for Paul Scharner. Do you like my glasses? — Paul Scharner

In fact, match referee Peter Walton can be thankful the scoreline was so large otherwise his general performance may have come under review, most likely leading to a stint in Fergie’s basement-come-torture-chamber. As it is, everyone (including the FA) is busy taking the mick out of Little Wigan.

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The Republic of Ireland were cruelly denied in their quest for World Cup qualification thanks to a not so helpful hand from France’s Thierry Henry.

Fans must have been thinking this was a game of handball rather than football as the former Arsenal man clearly controlled the ball with the palm of his hand — not once, but twice — before laying it off for William Gallas to head into Shay Given’s net.

It’s being hailed the ‘Hand of Frog’, the highest profile hand ball since Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’ in Mexico 1986. Whereas on that occasion divine intervention gifted the Argentine striker a goal, this time it is a deity of a more amphibious nature that’s hitting the headlines.

I am the best footballer in the world, playing for the best international team in the world. Ireland are some pokey little team that can’t even find players from their own country to fill their starting XI, so I suppose this is the way God wanted it to be. — Thierry Henry

In this case, ‘God’ is fellow Frenchman Michel Platini, who, some claim, momentarily paralysed all officials the precise moment the offence occurred, rendering them unable to award the correct decision.

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Make no mistake, it’s a certain handball, some say a deliberate one. What is for sure is that it certainly shouldn’t have been a goal, and there are even calls to replay the game. Not sure whether that will happen, but it’s hardly going to when FIFA got what they wanted - namely the bigger team at the World Cup finals.

See for yourself (video after the break).

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Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson has been hit with a fine of £20,000 and a two-match touchline ban for his comments regarding referee Alan Wiley.

Last month, Ferguson effectively called Wiley a ‘fat b******’ and accused him of being unfit to referee in the Premier League. It was, of course, a diversionary tactic to deflect the blame from his side of mollycoddled multi-trillionaires, but many feel the punishment doled out was disproportional to the crime.

When I was at school, if I called someone names I would have been given a slap on the back of my hand with a leather belt. £20,000 is nothing to a modern Premier League football manager, and especially not the most successful of recent times. We need to cause him PAIN! He must suffer for his nefarious acts! — Manchester City manager Mark Hughes

Not all Football League managers share Hughes’s view, however. Peterborough United director of football and ex-Manchester United player Barry Fry is critical of the current ’soft boy’ breed of football referee.

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