Retro Yakking

I won’t lie to you: the Golden Age of the parody wikis has long since passed, with a whole raft of bureaucracy and red tape killing them off slowly but surely. I won’t go into great detail here, but it is indeed a sad and avoidable situation.

It doesn’t have to be this way. The recession may have quelled our sense of humour, but it will never extinguish our spirit! Much like a cockroach(?), the Illogicopedia will come out of this crisis stronger than ever, preserving a bit of insanity in the post-recession world.

Each of the following excerpts have been hand-picked by an esteemed Illogicopedia administrator* especially for Retro Yakking, and are highlighted as some of the best one-liners on the whole of the site. I’m not sure what that says about the rest of the site, but anyway…

Ten more factoids from Illogico

• The cricket bat is an animal of the order Sik Sittus. Notable as the only wooden mammal, there are known to be numerous species worldwide, the most common being the Willow bat.
• Who let the dogs out, framed Roger Rabbit and moved my cheese all whilst being the Prime Minister of China.
• Lawn Order is a particularly bad brand of fertiliser. But more importantly, it is also the grass police. That’s right: let your grass grow too long and you’ll be paid a visit by the lawn cops, riding on their lawnmowers and slicing everything in their path.
• Metal Deer Solid is an absolutely pointless stealth game where you are a deer who sneaks around looking for the cheese but will only ever find fish.
• Top ten ways to die #4: Combining every cheatcode possible, and having them all simultaneously backfire on you.
• Banalas are like Bananas except they often make cameos in movie-spinoff computer games such as Spiderman and The Hulk. They strive to make these games get terrible reviews via throwing a brick and said reviewers’ computer screens.
• Jello! Magazine is a magazine designed for the building of fold-out paper (and 10% jellotine) fortresses of obstruction.
• The moon! is Earth’s alternative natural satellite which Wikipedia seems to deny the existence of. Rest assured it does exist, but only the poke holes in the general public perception of said factual wiki.
• A trained professional is someone who has a job and is either on or under a train.
• Backspace is the amount of space one’s back takes up. Some backs are smaller than others, whereas some, notably the hunchback, are larger.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this brief romp through the cotton fields of illogicality. For more nonsense like this I always recommend the Illogicopedia, but beware of hostile fnurdles ready to steal your sonks.

*i.e. me.

See also

• Ten fun facts from Illogicopedia: a selection of things you may not be aware of, hand picked by me after two years(!) of research at the Illogicopedia.

Image created by Silent Penguin and me.

This edition’s fun facts come from everyone’s favourite Wikipedia parody website Illogicopedia. Billed as the ‘Surreal and nonsensical encyclopedia’, it’s actually not that much different from its more well-known big brother in that it’s all a load of twaddle. Following is a selection of things you may not be aware of, hand picked by me after two years(!) of research at the Illogicopedia.

Note: All links are safe for work but may contain mild innuendo or adult spatulations.

Did You Know…

1. Population is the process of turning into a bottle of pop? On the plus side, populated individuals can be consumed and taste slightly like post-it notes.
2. Toasters are used to create life by insane mad scientists? They hook them up to the fridge and create… bread penguins!
3. It is the job of the superheroes of the world to constantly rescue Daylight from increasingly precarious situations, leading to an event commonly known as Daylight saving time?
4. Car crusher is a ’special’ move in the game of rock, paper, scissors?
5. History is a detailed record of human events germane to the fantasies of historians, especially devious ones? All other types of events, such as nose picking, are omitted.
6. That a man was once beaten by a potato croquette?
7. Tomorrow is a cross between a marrow and a tomato? You can grow your own by placing these items in a bowl with Crest toothpaste and a bit of water.
8. Das Pussyvator is an 18-R rated direct-to-video release that occasionally gets shown on the Big Boy’s Channel?
9. In his spare time, Barry Scott enjoys half-cleaning coins and lining them up perfectly and neatly in front of mirrors to make it look like he is even richer than he already is?
10. Tony Blur is fast? He is so fast he is faster than a slug.

Crazy, eh? If you like that, why not sign up at the Illogicopedia and write to your heart’s content? It’s free, and you’ll find the community very accepting. That last sentence has nothing to do with the fact I am a founder member of the Illogicopedia. Oooh no. Oh, figs.

Next up on Fun Facts is Wikipedia, and let me say some of the stuff in that list actually rivals the nonsensical stuff found on Illogicopedia. Wiki fans, be on the lookout for that soon.