Retro Yakking

“Power.“

Those of you that are familiar with my work will know that I’m not one to waste my time with unnecessary lengthy introductions, so I’ll get straight to the point: something the regular author of this ‘website’ will do well to note for future reference.

When I, Jeremy Clarkson, was asked to do a special column for a ’small time Internet weblog’, I was initially reluctant. After all, what does this Hairy Yack person know about cars, or even anything? I bet he’s one of those poncy hybrid drivers with bits of glitter and vegetable skin in his hair, or some chavvy Honda Civic owner from Cheetham Hill. I have my reputation to uphold, and should I be spotted writing for the gutter ‘press’ they’ll never let me back into Yorkshire ever again.

However, I’ve already offended precisely 234,092 people — I know it’s that many because I keep a personal record on my advanced calculator thingy — so I figured it would not hurt to increase that figure, even if only by a little bit. Any publicity is good publicity, as they say.

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Formula One’s World Championship draws to a close today with the destination of the title already decided. Britain’s Jenson Button secured the 2009 crown two weeks ago at Brazil’s Interlagos circuit by gaining sufficient points to open up enough of a gap to his nearest rivals, meaning today’s race has no bearing on the destination of the title.

The last time a British person even came close to achieving such a feat was more than fifteen years ago. Mr. Barry Cello, an old age pensioner from Cheadle Hulme, won the British Grand Prix on a shopmobility scooter modified by his grandson. In a wet race, the vehicle’s extra weight and small wheel base allowed Mr. Cello to stay on track whilst all around him were crashing into barriers and tyre walls.

It was a comfortable victory in the end, as the only other competitor, Italian former world champion Luca Pizza, finished seventeen laps down due to a technical fault (Mr. Cello spent the morning smashing the engine with his walking stick).

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It’s mini, and it’s E (whatever that’s supposed to mean)… BMW’s new E-Mini is set to revolutionise motoring as we know it, for this is no regular car - it does not run on petrol, rather Ecstasy tablets.

It is of course the automotive industry’s contribution to helping society clamp down on illegal drugs, by using them to power cars. Currently the E-Mini only runs on Es, but in the future will be adapted to take paracetamol, Calpol and blue Smarties - the latter of which yields a potent power that will fuel the car for years.

Critics allege that, while there is no doubting the potential of Class C drugs as a solution to the world’s economic and environmental problems, it could have a profound, unwanted effect on recreational, or even professional, drug use.

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The mainstream media are in a rather large tizz over Formula One boss Ross Brawn’s latest brush with the law.

It seems a stock story these days is to report on figures in the public eye facing driving bans or court appearances to ’shame’ them, to do their dirty washing in public, as is the phrase that’s being doing the rounds since man invented the printing press.

This story is of particular interest because it is seen as ironic that a man so famously associated with a business that requires precision timing and split-second thinking should be caught so blatantly flouting the speed limit.

Unfortunately, what they fail to realise is that Formula One is as much about going fast as it is about smooth cornering and precise braking. It’s little wonder that the odd motorsport figure gets into a bit of trouble over their on-the-road exploits from time to time.

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Hot on the heels of the shock news that Michael Schumacher will return to Formula One, Damon Hill has also announced he shall once again be donning the goggles to go head to head with his bitter foe for a final time.

In the 1990s, the pair were the subject of much attention on and off the track, employing close-to-the-knuckle techniques to outdo each other both mentally and physically. Though Schumacher usually came out on top, the thrill of the chase was all rather good fun for the F1 punters.

In typical evil villain style, Hill immediately called a press conference at which he stated his intentions in no uncertain terms.

I cannot let that Sunday driver get away with this! The fact I haven’t driven a car with more than 55 horse powers for almost a decade does not matter one jot, for I must thwart his dastardly attempts at world domination! To the Hillmobile! — Damon Hill

Of the news, Schumacher was actually rather cheesed off.

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