Retro Yakking

YouTube have labelled their latest big media stunt, a live concert webcast, as a ‘big win for the community’. Reports suggest upwards of ten million viewers logged on to watch Irish rockers U2 perform at the Rose Bowl, Pasadena at 3AM on Sunday morning.

Further reports suggest anybody who got up early to watch the show is clinically insane, seeing as it is currently being rebroadcast for viewing at any time — and in higher quality to boot — via the video sharing website. Over 1 million people have already done so within less than a week of the original broadcast, which is being hailed as a record for an internet streaming event.

The concert could possibly pave the way for other artists to embark upon similar webcasts, but is unlikely to tempt rockney duo Chas and Dave out of retirement. Had one of them known how to work a computer, things would be different.

As it is, Chas can’t even stop his desktop clock from displaying Pacific Standard time, which is of no use to somebody living thousands of miles away from human civilisation in the UK. Dave has had a bit more success, but struggles with the concept of an inanimate mouse - he still thinks they are powered by cheese.

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It’s a great pity that mainstream production of music cassettes ceased many years ago. I say this not because I think that humble mini-reel of magnetic tape could possibly offer a higher quality output than your typical CD-R, but because to me, it defines ‘music’.

I may have been a child growing up in the nineties when the CD player was king, but you have to remember that my family were absolute cheapskates relatively poor and could not afford the latest in state-of-the-art technology for me to play CDs. I’ve always been a bit behind the times like that.

Nevertheless, I developed an affection for cassette tapes which has stayed with me well into the noughties and whatever follows after that (tenties?). I will now attempt to explain why it is a far superior medium to the CD, at least in my eyes.

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Earlier this week, Retro Yakking reported on Google’s so-called ‘secret alien coverup‘ in which the Internet giant would supposedly reveal they had been employing Martians to work at their California headquarters. As expected, no such admission was made, much to the disgust of conspiracy theorists.

They have to admit to it sooner or later, else we shall leak the government documents we have obtained from the Pentagon! Then they will have no choice but to hand over all their power. Mwhahahah! — Alf Hart, chief UFOlogist at the University of Stupid Conspiracy Theories

As it happened, it was all something to do with H.G. Wells, or something, as Google themselves recently revealed on their weblog. The Internet moguls had been placing clues on their Twitter account for the past few weeks in the run-up to the 143rd anniversary of the War of the Worlds writer’s birth. Many managed to decipher them, though some, it seems, refuse to believe Google’s theory.

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There’s one particular post on this website that has elicited more comment and controversy than any other, and that’s my tongue-in-cheek refusal to believe King Jacko is in fact dead.

Whilst creating that post, I began to actually believe the hype that I, myself was building up, but little did I know I was contributing to a monster.

Just to recap, in that post I posited the suggestion that Jackson faked his death in order to recoup some of his massive debts. A recent report in the Guardian claimed that he had in fact clawed back up to a third of that cash since his ‘death’, further fuelling the conspiracists.

It seems this kook theory circling the gutter press and opinion blogs has gained some momentum of late, especially since a video reportedly showing Jackson walking away from the death scene with the coroner emerged over the past week.

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90s rock legend Noel Gallagher has announced he will split with Oasis for the tenth time this year, the fifteenth time this tour and 131st time since the band was formed in 1992.

The news will come as absolutely no shock to anyone at all, considering it had been a whole week since Gallagher last quit Oasis. That time, he and his brother Liam had come to blows over who should have the last banana in the fruit bowl. Noel emerged victorious, facepalming Liam with a cheese and pickle sandwich (which reportedly “stung like ****”).

Yesterday, in similar scenes, Noel threw three tomatoes and a Rickenbacker at his brother, almost decapitating him.

As usually happens with these sorts of incidents, fans are mourning the death of Oasis, as with the departure of the main songwriter the band will surely collapse under its own weight.

But lead singer Liam Gallagher announced that the show must go on.

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