Retro Yakking

It’s a given fact that pets hate Bonfire Night. Not only are they subjected to an often relentless string of loud noises, but they are also forced to eat the leftover parkin and treacle toffee, something no animal ought to endure.

Of course, there are steps one can take to keep pets safe and protected during events such as Bonfire Night. However, there are numerous misconceptions about what is best for each animal, which is why Retro Yakking has provided this handy cut out and keep (or at least bookmark) guide to the dos and don’ts for pet owners on Bommy Night.

Do: Take your dog for a walk before fireworks start to be let off so they are physically and mentally tired out, making them more likely to lie down and ignore the loud bangs and sparks going off outside.

Don’t: Allow your dog to set off fireworks. It can be a danger to children and even result in the dog getting an ASBO or curfew imposed upon them by the local police.

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According to a new report by people who think they know what they’re talking about, the moon has not existed for almost twelve years.

The revelations, from leading astrological astronomical types NASA, come just days before the fortieth anniversary of the moon landings.

The story is thus: the moon exploded in a giant ball of flames in 1997. It is thought the great celestial body could no longer stand mankind’s constant wittering about celebrities and mundane daily tasks, so blew itself up.

It is well documented that numerous conspiracy theorists do not think man visited the moon in 1969. They are explicitly mentioned in the document, which brands them “deluded” and “crazy old fools”.

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It’s surprising, and somewhat ironic, that with all the conspiracies and bizarre theories regarding his death being banded about, nobody has yet suggested that Michael Jackson may possibly have died from the swine flu virus.

If you think about it, it’s strange that none of the newspapers have combined two of the biggest media stories of the year in a huge speculative ball of dirty socks. Jacko’s passing has been a mainstay of the press for the majority of the week, with all sorts of fabricated nonsense making up the nation’s fish and chip paper in the last seven days.

But none have even considered the theory. Perhaps the media will now let the man rest in peace? Not a chance, until coverage has surpassed that of Jade Goody’s much publicised battle with cancer earlier in the year. Well, maybe that’s a little bit too cynical for the papers’ liking, but I wouldn’t put it past them to compare the two.

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Right, now I have managed to settle the legal issues with Mr. Jackson’s solicitor, I can reveal that the Jack Michaelson referred to in the previous post was in fact Michael Jackson. But then you probably knew that already, and if you didn’t you’ve most likely been living on Mars for the past few days.

So here’s the deal. Michael Jackson faked his death in an attempt to sell more records. Indeed, within hours of reports that Jacko had gone to rock and roll heaven, sales of his albums absolutely skyrocketed. Amazon.com had fourteen of MJ’s albums in their top twenty, with Off The Wall hitting the number one spot pretty soon after the news filtered through.

It’s well documented that Jackson needed the money. Most recently, he sold a huge stake in his Neverland ranch, and his debts reportedly exceeded $500million at the time of his death. His comeback tour, which was set to include a staggering fifty nights at the London O2 Arena, would redress the balance somewhat, estimated to be worth $50million. But would it be enough?

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Recent reports have linked the disappearance of a French aeroplane to a “new version of the Bermuda Triangle“, the deadly “Black Cauldron Atlantic fly zone” not far off the coast of the Central Americas.

According to leading Internet information source Uncyclopedia, the Bermuda Triangle is a “lame… imaginary green triangle” somewhere in the Carribean that is most likely “a bunch of New Age horse****” (link contains NSFW language), and “may even be a pyramid scheme”.

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