Retro Yakking

Google have sensationally declared the Cookie Monster’s 40th birthday as more important than Bonfire Night by choosing to use Sesame Street as the subject of their 5th November doodle (pictured above).

Shocked internet users have taken to Twitter to moan about the injustice in their droves, whilst others have resorted to the drastic measure of directly emailing the California-based company to complain about the issue. Yet more have sent hate mail to the Cookie Monster himself:

I h8 Cookie Monster. Hes a blue piece of bumfluff. i want to stick a Catherine wheel up his bum and watch him spin round like a windmill. — Anonymous Twitter user

We shall give them the benefit of the doubt, however, as the expected doodle could well appear on Saturday. As everyone knows, a lot of 5th November parties occur on the nearest weekend to Bonfire Night, so they could still redeem themselves, but our money is on them not even knowing what Guy Fawkes Night is. They don’t celebrate it in America, remember.

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Tragic news today as it has emerged that fire safety mascot Welephant passed away in the early hours of this morning. Doctors fought for fifteen hours to save the beloved pachyderm, but could not wake him from his drug-induced coma.

At 11.30AM yesterday, Welephant complained of a sore stomach and went for a lie down. Firemen found him immobile half an hour later and immediately called an ambulance. Specialists confirmed the mascot was suffering from the severe side effects of an overdose of elephant sedative he had been taking to help him sleep during loud firework displays.

I don’t get it. I read on the Internet that RSPCA advice was to supply animals with sedatives, so when I saw old Welly really struggling to get to sleep I rushed out to London Zoo and picked up a supply of Xylazine they just so happened to have lying about the place. He seemed fine until the next day, when he started to look drowsy and distant. He looked OK whilst drinking his mug of mud, but started to deteriorate from then on. — Robert Freegun, Welephant’s carer

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Formula One’s World Championship draws to a close today with the destination of the title already decided. Britain’s Jenson Button secured the 2009 crown two weeks ago at Brazil’s Interlagos circuit by gaining sufficient points to open up enough of a gap to his nearest rivals, meaning today’s race has no bearing on the destination of the title.

The last time a British person even came close to achieving such a feat was more than fifteen years ago. Mr. Barry Cello, an old age pensioner from Cheadle Hulme, won the British Grand Prix on a shopmobility scooter modified by his grandson. In a wet race, the vehicle’s extra weight and small wheel base allowed Mr. Cello to stay on track whilst all around him were crashing into barriers and tyre walls.

It was a comfortable victory in the end, as the only other competitor, Italian former world champion Luca Pizza, finished seventeen laps down due to a technical fault (Mr. Cello spent the morning smashing the engine with his walking stick).

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Following his conviction for actual bodily harm earlier this week, former Premier League footballer Marlon King has signed for prison team Wormwood Scrubs FC on an 18 month contract.

Though he will be taking a massive paycut from his previous post as a goalpost at Wigan Athletic, King is relatively content with the upgrade in accommodation quality:

It’s the best I could hope for considering the circumstances. I wanted a double bed, but in the end managed to negotiate three cakes of soap and a copy of Roy Keane’s autobiography as a signing on fee, which I suppose is better than a punch in the head. — Marlon King

By signing for Wormwood, King will follow in the footsteps of many illustrious names that turned out for the side at some point in their career, including Newcastle’s Joey Barton and Notts County forward Lee Hughes.

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YouTube have labelled their latest big media stunt, a live concert webcast, as a ‘big win for the community’. Reports suggest upwards of ten million viewers logged on to watch Irish rockers U2 perform at the Rose Bowl, Pasadena at 3AM on Sunday morning.

Further reports suggest anybody who got up early to watch the show is clinically insane, seeing as it is currently being rebroadcast for viewing at any time — and in higher quality to boot — via the video sharing website. Over 1 million people have already done so within less than a week of the original broadcast, which is being hailed as a record for an internet streaming event.

The concert could possibly pave the way for other artists to embark upon similar webcasts, but is unlikely to tempt rockney duo Chas and Dave out of retirement. Had one of them known how to work a computer, things would be different.

As it is, Chas can’t even stop his desktop clock from displaying Pacific Standard time, which is of no use to somebody living thousands of miles away from human civilisation in the UK. Dave has had a bit more success, but struggles with the concept of an inanimate mouse - he still thinks they are powered by cheese.

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