Retro Yakking

The Conservative Party have been accused of offering bribes to the programmers of Internet verification system ReCaptcha. Though the Tories deny this, compelling evidence can be found in the fact the program is definitely attempting to subtly and subliminally persuade me to vote for them. Exhibit A:

Seems the Tories have been spying on my Internet usage and identified me as the ‘kind of person that wants to vote Conservative but doesn’t because he feels like he’ll be beaten up by hard blokes in the pub’, namely everyone in Wigan.

It won’t work, though, because their reluctant and belated attempt to embrace the digital revolution is only a pants gimmick to capitalise on Gordon Brown’s complete ineptitude at video blogging. I would much prefer to watch Mr. Brown squirm for X number of years, if only for his creepy smile.

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In a fresh move to save money and win back voters, Gordon Brown has sold the Bank of England’s entire supply of gold bullion to cash4mygold.co.uk.

According to reports, Brown hit upon the idea when drinking his morning coffee and watching GMTV. As he sat down to eat his Weetabix, it just so happened that an advertisement for the website began playing on his portable telly. Brown himself picks up the story:

It suddenly occurred to me that I own gold: lots of it in fact. That supply of bullion was sitting there doing nothing and hadn’t been touched in years. In fact, if anyone so much as sets foot in the Bank of England vault, loads of alarms go off like when Alan Davies gets the wrong answer in QI. The chances of anyone ever using that bullion were slim to none, so I thought to myself, “why the heck not?” — Gordon Brown

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The price of petrol is set to increase by two pence this week, to the absolute disgust of lazy people and oil drinkers everywhere.

This particular hike has been attributed to the usual Capitalist/Communist hogs hoarding the world’s oil, but also the number of people using alternative, and mostly illegal, fuels.

It is becoming increasingly apparent that consumers, unable to afford the rising cost of petrol, are turning to their own home-made fuels to get them to Point B.

A new website, makeyourownpetrol.co.uk, was launched just over three months ago, and has since been providing tips for drivers on low budgets. Included on the site is a special forum where users can privately share information on which household liquids will fuel a vehicle. Commonly mentioned amongst the illicit fuels are diluted Ribena, dog pee and, in some areas of the country, water.

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 The name’s Bond… but not if you’re Vlad_The_Impala_42.

World renowned super-spy James Bond has been apprehended by Russian KGB agents after sensitive details regarding his whereabouts were posted on social networking website Facebook.

The news breaks just days after it was discovered that the wife of an MI6 big cheese blew his cover by posting images of him on the very same site. It is thought Russian spies had been monitoring Bond’s activity on the site for months, often posing as the American government to extract information from Bond without him realising it.

Bond was on his way to Wimbledon to watch Andy Murray’s semi-final against Andy Roddick when he was captured by a group of heavies, who bundled him into a 1976 Lada and taken to an isolated island base that looks suspiciously like a skull. (Cue ominous music.)

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Security minister Lord West has confirmed that the UK has, in the past few years, had to deal with cyber attacks from Russia and China.

To this end, a strategy to counter online terrorism, in development for quite some time, has been published this week.

It is of increasing concern to the government that malicious hackers are more prevalent than ever, and the UK faces a very real threat of cyber terrorism. But how does a country with such a rich and distinguished history of computer nerds fight the hackers? With more hackers, of course.

A new organisation of ‘good guy’ hackers, ironically codenamed Robin Hood, has been founded. It is hoped that by professionalising the industry to a select few eggheads, capitalism will once again triumph over communism in a new version of the Cold War, dubbed ‘The Ever-So-Slightly-Microwaved War’.

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