Retro Yakking

 Another satisfied customer of Canadian Medicines Ltd.

Internet spammers are ramping up production in an attempt to cash in on the public’s worry over swine flu. Hundreds of idiots have already been scammed out of thousands of pounds by purchasing illegal Tamiflu from dodgy websites via spam emails.

The fake medicine, available through your local spampeddler (see your Hotmail inbox for more details), is made of live rats and creepy crawlies that live under your bed. Retro Yakking contacted a licensed unlicensed licensee of illegal drugs from a company known as ‘The Canadian Pharmacy’ for the lowdown on the situation.

You know that old saying ‘you are never more than a metre away from a rat’? Well, we’re doing our bit to reduce this figure. In fact, since operations started just over a year ago, we’ve managed to officially change that phrase to ‘you are never more than 1.2 metres away from a rat’. Not only are we very proud of ourselves, but we are also very, very rich. — ‘Canadian Pharmacy’ worker

The employee, known only by his initials of L.A.D, was also keen to stress “each and every pill is made from rats sourced from local sewers and customers can be assured we use only the very highest quality diseased rodents”.

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A working group from the Academy of Medical Sciences will meet to discuss the possibility of creating half-human mutants such as gorilla men.

It is public knowledge that numerous mice have already been created with, amongst other things, human DNA.

Now, human knowledge has expanded to such an extent that creatures such as fishmen and dogmen could well be possible in the next ten years.

It’s indeed very exciting. Using computer simulations, we’ve already constructed a half-man, half-cat to steal milk from benefit thieves’ doorsteps and a particularly gruesome half-man, half monster hybrid which we’ve named Wayne Rooney. Early results have been very successful - Wayne’s mate recently gave birth. — AMS spokesman Robert Freegun

Some may argue such ‘mutant’ creations have already been around for many years. The big cats that roam the plains of urban England are definitely ‘panthermen’, at least according to some drunk bloke I just met on the street. And if you were off your head on Special Brew, you would also be able to see pink human-elephant hybrids.

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OH NO! What happened to my BBC2?! Agh! — You

Thanks to an extended period of investigation, or at least fiddling around with the buttons on my Freeview remote control, I have been able to ascertain exactly which methods will be most effective in the battle against the digital switchover. More specifically, I’ve produced this handy step-by-step guide to retuning your digital set top box especially for those of you still struggling to figure out what’s going on.

Before we start, you really should read this informational post from last month. Though it refers to the previous retune on 1st October, many tips still apply to the current situation.

Still perplexed? Follow these simple instructions and don’t sweat it so much.

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Web-based news aggregator NewsNow has this week responded to threats of legal action by a group of UK newspapers.

In an open letter to The Times, The Sun, The Guardian and many other British tabloid papers, Managing Director and Chairman of Newsnow Struan Bartlett (pictured) set the record straight, dispelling any widespread misconceptions the mainstream media might have about the service.

The truth is, if anything, it is the growth of the Internet itself — not link aggregation — that has undermined your businesses by destroying the virtual monopoly that you once held over the mass distribution of written news. If you are seeking to blame something for your current predicament, we suggest you start there. — Struan Bartlett, in response to the papers

In this morning’s edition of the Daily Sport, editor Robert Freegun published his direct response to the response in response:

All competition must be wiped out! We’ve already had major problems with small time internet weblogs sourcing content from our paper, illegally I might add. This sort of business is costing us major moolah - we want people to buy the paper because we make more money that way. It doesn’t help if people keep accusing us of making up our articles. — Bob Freegun

At this point, Bob was reminded of the initial story, which had nothing to do with the illegal appropriation of content or even fabricated articles. Mr. Freegun declined to comment further, instead returning to his duties as head manipulator editor of a major tabloid newspaper.

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It’s a great pity that mainstream production of music cassettes ceased many years ago. I say this not because I think that humble mini-reel of magnetic tape could possibly offer a higher quality output than your typical CD-R, but because to me, it defines ‘music’.

I may have been a child growing up in the nineties when the CD player was king, but you have to remember that my family were absolute cheapskates relatively poor and could not afford the latest in state-of-the-art technology for me to play CDs. I’ve always been a bit behind the times like that.

Nevertheless, I developed an affection for cassette tapes which has stayed with me well into the noughties and whatever follows after that (tenties?). I will now attempt to explain why it is a far superior medium to the CD, at least in my eyes.

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