Retro Yakking

“Power.“

Those of you that are familiar with my work will know that I’m not one to waste my time with unnecessary lengthy introductions, so I’ll get straight to the point: something the regular author of this ‘website’ will do well to note for future reference.

When I, Jeremy Clarkson, was asked to do a special column for a ’small time Internet weblog’, I was initially reluctant. After all, what does this Hairy Yack person know about cars, or even anything? I bet he’s one of those poncy hybrid drivers with bits of glitter and vegetable skin in his hair, or some chavvy Honda Civic owner from Cheetham Hill. I have my reputation to uphold, and should I be spotted writing for the gutter ‘press’ they’ll never let me back into Yorkshire ever again.

However, I’ve already offended precisely 234,092 people — I know it’s that many because I keep a personal record on my advanced calculator thingy — so I figured it would not hurt to increase that figure, even if only by a little bit. Any publicity is good publicity, as they say.

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In my opinion, QI’s been off the general public radar for an unfashionably long time now. Well, that’s technically incorrect, as there’ve been endless repeats of all six series up until this point on Dave, which is quite surprising considering that 98.4% of the channel’s programming consists of Top Gear ‘mashups’. For the uninitiated, they’re mutilated versions of the BBC broadcasts cut down to fit into 47 minutes of programming per hour, a bit like the syndicated versions in Oz and North America.

There are, however, no such cost-cutting measures in place on BBC1, Quite Interesting’s established home on the Beeb since, well, last series, actually. For the secret QI maniac such as I,  it’s refreshing to finally see some new programming and obtain fresh fodder for idle chats down the pub, train station or wherever one feels the need to spout pointless yet irritatingly intriguing facts. You just hope your mates didn’t see the same episode, else you might have to resort to the ‘no cheese in cheese slices’ backup plan once again (stupid ‘Britain’s Most Disgusting Foods‘).

We’re now up to the seventh series, which can only mean one thing: a whole season of letter G-themed fact-based nuggets to tickle our geeky fancy. In the coming weeks we shall be treated to a veritable Pandora’s Box of interesting stuff to do with geometry, gadgets, gravity and the colour green amongst others. Last night, though, was the turn of both gardeners and grocers to take their place on the alphabetical merry go round that is QI.

Warning: Spoilers from this point onwards.

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Today sees the launch of 3D Week on Channel Four, during which the network will broadcast a number of programmes that require special 3D glasses for viewers to get the full ‘experience’.

Those that can not afford such an accessory or do not have green and red contact lenses will be subjected to a horrible mess of red and green pixels reminiscent of the time The Incredible Hulk spilled his tomato ketchup.

To save people from becoming colourblind, Sainsbury’s are offering free 3D spectacles to combat Channel 4’s lack of foresight.

We never thought to account for the fact people cannot see television in 3D unless they are mutants or still have their 3D glasses from the 1980s. Strange, really, because I haven’t seen a pair of them in 25 years. Still, fingers crossed this isn’t just another passing fad and we can really cash in on it… — Channel 4 spokesman

Nevertheless, it is thought an event such as 3D Week will do much to promote Channel 4’s ‘cool and hip’ agenda… by turning the clock back. Indeed, it is twenty odd years since anybody actually even considered using terms like ‘cool’ and ‘hip’.

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OH NO! What happened to my BBC2?! Agh! — You

Thanks to an extended period of investigation, or at least fiddling around with the buttons on my Freeview remote control, I have been able to ascertain exactly which methods will be most effective in the battle against the digital switchover. More specifically, I’ve produced this handy step-by-step guide to retuning your digital set top box especially for those of you still struggling to figure out what’s going on.

Before we start, you really should read this informational post from last month. Though it refers to the previous retune on 1st October, many tips still apply to the current situation.

Still perplexed? Follow these simple instructions and don’t sweat it so much.

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This week marks the twentieth anniversary of plasticine stop motion stars Wallace and Gromit, an event brought to my attention by today’s Google doodle (pictured above).

In celebration, Aardman have posted a twenty-minute feature with animator Nick Park at the W&G Official site. In it, the Academy Award-winning creator is asked twenty specially selected questions posed to him by members of the fan club. Or at least, the website.

In fact, I think I’ll be so generous as to just leave it here for you so you don’t have to go to all that hassle of clicking around. How rather thoughtful of us, eh? Video is on the other side of the break, though thankfully not a commercial one.

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