Retro Yakking

Yes, it’s Retro Yakking’s very own brand spankin’ new awards thingy. It’s a bit like the Tesco Value Lemonade Awards, but with a difference… it’s, like, a jacket potato. That, and I need an excuse to catch up on my shout outs.

These blogs are a cut above the rest and come highly recommended by the yakster himself, Mr. Harry Yack.

Yes, our bonkers bovine buddy has been let out of his pen just for this weekend to run his hairy paws along the vast expanse that is the world wide web and report back with his very favourite pages.

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Oooh, look! Once more, it’s time for a shout out to all my readers in Internetland. As you know, the Yak values you all more than Tesco Value Lemonade, Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls and lobbies put together (all in one pan). Subsequently, I would like to reward you all with an imaginary Nutri Grain: flavour of your choice!

Thanks to you, the humble reader, Retro Yakking is beginning to cause ripples in the fabric of the web, touching four corners of the earth with its informative and not-at-all infantile news reports and features. As a result, this very blog has been the subject of attention at a few other websites you may or may not know about.

Get on with it, you smelly northern halfwit

Methinks this is an apt point at which to unveil another set of Retro Yakking Tesco Value Diet Lemonade Award (gasp!) winners.

• Exaggeration is a useful skill to learn when attempting to achieve anything in the creative business. In general, people are drawn to over-the-top comments that draw discussion rather than subtle, dry humour similar to that peddled by a certain yak. One thing’s for certain, Larry at the aptly named Exaggerator blog can never be deemed guilty of erring on the subtle. In recent times, I have been enjoying his thorough examination of spam emails and growing collection of lolcat images.
• Collecting funny and interesting stuff from the Internet is the precise function the weblog was created for. G. Samuel Blog will be pleased to see his invention being put to good use by Melissan, proprietor of what I would call a proper blog in Why Be Normal. A mixture of personal thoughts, rants, and images you may find noteworthy, this site is an effective extension of Melissan’s character. Good show.
• Continuing along a similar theme, Matt Stratton’s Good Old Rock has the same kind of feel about it, but with a more technical edge. The blog is not only a reflection of your life, but a way to live it also - this really comes across in Matt’s blog, which is both helpful and informative in equal measure. There’s even the odd quirky post about unicorns thrown in here and there…
• When I am old, I want to spend all my time sat on the front doorstep shouting at passing vehicles. No surprise, then, that I like Crotchety Old Man, which I recommend if only for the wonderfully competitive caption competitions. In some ways, I’m a lot like a grumpy old man before my time, complaining about anything and everything.

Iiiiit’s time for more belated housekeeping and ass-kissing! Retro Yakking has once again had the prestigious Lemonade Award bestowed upon, this time it by the very generous dragon29 at The Power of Me. I am, quite frankly, honoured to receive this carbonated beverage, which will be placed next to the dehydrated water upon my mantelpiece. Enough of the self-back patting, and on to this edition’s awards.

• There’s such a fine line between satire and sarcasm. Unicorn Rainbow Blood may sound quite gory, but remember - unicorns aren’t real. For this reason, no mythical creatures were harmed during the making of this wonderful blog that likes to dabble in parody and wind-ups to great effect. For example - want to have the best blog on the internet? Simply submit only your links to Digg, Redditt and StumbleUpon, whilst completely ignoring and disregarding everyone else.
• When it comes to choosing from cabbages or kings, I would choose kings every time: I hate cabbage, the lettuce’s bastard cousin. None of that has anything to do with Cabbages and Kings, however. It is a kind of personal blog, but in this case I don’t really care because it’s often so amusing: check out Jen’s Zombie Defense Strategy for starters.
• So many football blogs are guilty of attempting to cover absolutely everything, resulting in a site that takes way too long to read when you could have just gone to BBC Sport instead. Soccer Central selects the best football stories of the day and brings the world of soccer to a casual audience. Well worth a look, even if you are not a keen football fan.
• John Strongly at Strongly Worded is Harry Yack’s wordier American cousin, a serial moaner that often does not realise how humorous his letters of complaint are. And unlike me, it seems he actually receives some replies, though don’t expect them to take the bait too much.

The more observant yak followers amongst you may notice that, once again, this post contains less than the standard ten recipients, leaving another six (plus another five from the previous Lemonade Award) to be dished out. I would like to remind you that whilst I don’t condone bribery, I do like the colour of money. Cough. More Lemonade Awards to come in the future.

Around a month ago, I was lucky enough to be rewarded with a prestigious Lemonade Award by the very generous wizdumbbckr at ne-deja-vu. Well, it’s taken me long enough, but it’s time to announce my own recipients of the Lemonade Award.

But wait, there’s a twist: this is a very special version the award, a Retro Yakking special Tesco Value Diet Lemonade version, to be precise. It’s just like the regular Lemonade Award but more lowmarket and down-to-earth. Don’t let that depreciate the prestige of this award, though - it’s still worth a 2 litre 50p bottle of lemonade.

• How To Skip Sharks is one of my favourite blogs on the Today.com network, offering alternative HowTo guides in a similar manner to Wikihowl. Content is irreverent and satisfyingly observational - the perfect combination to tickle my fancy. Ever wondered how you would fight a laundromat? Me neither, but I felt all the better for filling this gap in my knowledge of tumble-dryer battling.
• All Things English (louiejerome) is a very British take on life in England, a welcome break from the whole Americanisation of the Internet. Taking current topics in the news and introducing a unique slant, this blog encourages discussion about issues such as joining the single European currency and Britain’s rat problem.
• Unfortunate Names concentrates on those products that, shall we say, could have used more thought in the naming process. With items such as Bloopers underpants and Big Nuts, you can feel free to revel in the sheer immaturity of the whole thing without the guilt-inducing cold stare of the anti-dumbing down brigade.
• Your Dark Passenger (jenwhitten) has a novel rotation of daily topics, and for the most part sticks to them - in particular I’m a fan of WTF Wednesdays, though I quite like Supernatural Saturdays too. It’s tidy, well-maintained blog, but it’s Jen’s conversational and inviting writing style that is most appealing.
• Child of the 1980s steers clear of Conservative dreariness (for the most part) to concentrate on what made the 80s great for a kid. I’ll admit I was initially drawn to this site as one of the aforementioned children, and will readily admit to liking The Shoe People and Black Jack chews. Heck, if these were around today I probably still would be. Definitely not in this list for nostalgia reasons… maybe.

You might have noticed that this list only totals five. That’s because I thought this post was starting to become overpowering and decided to feature only the first half of the winners here. Incidentally, I’m still considering my final five, and I’m not completely ruling out corruption… *cough*

Stay tuned for the second part of this post some time in the future.

Image courtesy of Hat-Trick/Channel 4

Warning: this post is in no way amusing. Nuh-uh. Not even the drab, wet sock of a joke about the cheese grater. Reader discretion is advised, and rest assured the vein attempts to be funny will resume sooner rather than later.

A week in blog awards

Wotcher, yak watchers. My favourite drink in the whole world is Tesco Value diet lemonade (maybe), so you can imagine my delight when I received a Lemonade Award courtesy of wizdumbckr at ne-deja-vu. To her, I extend my gratitude as it is the first recognition of my blog’s existence here on the mess of memes that is the world wide web.

The Lemonade Awards - because self-promotion is fun!

After all, isn’t that what people want - to be recognised for their efforts? Well, I know it’s hardly a Pulitzer but it’ll do for now since I can no longer afford liquid refreshment to stock my fridge. I shall announce my winners for my Lemonade Award in due course, so keep your eyes peeled and you may just win. Oh, it’s all so very exciting, isn’t it? (*Grates hand with cheese grater*)

I don’t want your awards. I want your soul.

The Proximidade Award is dished out to those who are more interested in making friends than ‘bigging themselves up’, so you can imagine my surprise when I was awarded one by The Spinster Chronicles. Nah, only joking - I’m not really here to win awards, I’m just happy to (try and) make people laugh.

To the guy(s) at TSC, a huge thanks, and as with the Lemonade Award I shall be selecting eight of my favourite blogs to have this prestigious achievement bestowed upon them. Once again, the excitement builds! (*Finishes grating one hand, moves onto next*)

So, be vigilant and not at all suck-upish and, if my hands are not completely eroded, you may win and have the chance to write a similarly ego-boosting, self-promoting topic such as this.

Was that alright? Great. I thought I came across as rather big headed? Nah.